A hell of a thing for a girl to say to you. "You terrify me." Then to laugh and go on praising the sudden distraction that made you forget the comment. We're worlds apart, not just 5 years in age. "I'm not going to tell you what I was doing when I was 13." The implication tells enough. We'll go forward with some strangely distant intimacy, touching just to separate, a kiss turned to a bite, a long stare interrupted, always, by laughter. i suppose if we ever have sex again this too will be accomplished across chasms, and i'll go on preferring it that way, because i'm terrified too, in my way -- not so much of the girl herself but for her to become normal, accepted/expected -- someday i'll know all her gestures, anticipate all her movements -- her allure and her comforts will become meaningless. Suddenly i can't remember if i ever told her, "even when i'm with people, i am alone," but it will be true of us someday if we go on. As usual i will console myself in distance, potentialities - i will try not to compare what i was doing when i was 13 to her insinuation. i will partake solely of the smell, her hair falling close, my nose pressed to her collar bone as she pours her body into me from her tip-toes. Her daughter is asleep in the next room. Some stupid whim leads me to suddenly pronounce: "i wish i'd lived more."
"Why past tense, buddy?"
"Because Sometimes i think i'll die saying those words."
Don't often think about these things until after we've said them and the weighty silence sets in -- i realize it's true, it occurs to me to cry. Not for the first time these last few days sorrow treds nonchalantly into my chest cavity, not like an emotion so much as an object or an old visitor who's become comfortable with unsanctioned entrance. My chest is full of these friends who'll eat your pizza and drink your beer without asking, responding to any defensive action with derisive laughter. What will i do when i am not comfortable in this chest of such friends, or pressed into hers? It's okay. 'i' is not inside, or out -- there's no mind to lose, right? Good night, buddy; get some sleep.
"You show me yours, I'll show you mine." Who knows how many times she's said these words. "Otherwise. . . Have fun."
Her smell.
- 10/11/2011 09:57:18 AM
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5 years are nothing!
- 10/11/2011 12:05:49 PM
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