Journal: Home

Do I need a rabies shot or something?

Journal entry 5.1

Have successfully taught Adam to put the toilet seat down. Win.

~~Del

Lets be serious - you are not going to be a poet or an astronaut. How could you? That's not the way the world works, things are defined and come in fixed quantities, the moon doesn't want you, literature balks.

Come on. Man up. Get a job, work hard, you can be an accountant or a secretary or an electrician. We are a practical people and we don't read books: you can't measure yourself against us like that, we are not going to be fooled so easily.

You are pretty and restless and useless and we will have to drag you back. Maybe you can teach our children, or make our shoes, or become a bright red housewife. We don't care what happens after - but you can't run loose. It damages the morale. It makes us look bad. People will start yearning for the road and the sky and the wind in their hair and then everything will go up in flames.

1. Finished a book.
2. Paid off my credit card debt.
3. Worked out.

Today didn't go as well, but now I have a dog sleeping on my foot. And at least I made a genuine attempt at being productive. I also worked out... well, I exercised, anyhow.

It says a lot of things, but it's basically a list from my doctor of what diagnoses I have.

The codes are from ICD-10.

F33.9 Recurrent depressive disorder
F43.2 Adjustment disorder
F60.9 Avoidant personality disorder

The last one I found most interesting. When I've read about it, it really fits. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder
I have most of these symptoms. It's kinda a relief to know this is an actual disorder and not just a personality trait.

It also says I show signs of social phobia. I always thought I had social phobia, but Avoidant Personality Disorder fits a lot better.

Now I just wish we could get on with the tests so I can find out if I have ADD or not. (ADD is kinda like ADHD, but without hyperactivity). ADD is according to new studies more common in girls, and it's harder to find because there may not be much outward signs.

So after four months in Qatar, I'm preparing to return home, and the day before I'm due to leave my wife tells me over AIM that she's not going to be there when I arrive. Not only that, but she has switched teams, and now plays full time for the girls. This begs the question, is it something I did, that made her hop the fence? She claims it's not however I'm not certain I can believe that entirely. It was certainly an interesting homecoming, and th silence in the house is quite deafening. Would have been two years next month, but at least she decided this now, before children, or I wasted any more time. Ultimately I think it's for the best, now I can have some me time to start taking classes again and whatnot. I just it didn't hurt so much

would it be best to clean up the house first? You know, so someone else wouldn't have to do that.

Or would it not matter, cuz you know, you'd be dead (and therefore would not care).

I have an awesome announcement! I took the subway all by myself today and I didnt get lost or cry at all. I dont do well in crowded places with a lot of people. I looked up things to do in Toronto and found out that Queen st. West is a great place to shop,and t was. I took the subway which is right by Adams place and got off at Queen st which was right by the mall I went to yesterday. Then I walked like 10 blocks both ways and just went to all these different stores. It had a SoHo feel to it. I saw so many cute things, and a little puppy! This guy was selling them, they were adorable.

I also dropped 30$ on some amazing Ben Nye makeup, thats exciting. Now I can start my portfolio for my interview for Cirque du Soliel! I found out that there is a shoe museum here not far from where I was today, I shall see if Adam wants to go, but I doubt he does, and if not I shall go tomorrow I think. I spent all my money today, which is sad....Hes at work right now, but should be home very soon. I was out for about 4 hours today, and just walked around. I also bought a little black sequin bow headband. I need a shower

Anyways, Im having fun I like Toronto, the weather is great and the people are nice. Its very nice

~~Del

Red beans and Rice (Cajun style)
with grilled andouille sausage.

(left over from Sunday night)

(wife just came in and said "Whatever you're eating, it smells awful." I think that means it's good.)

Mostly in my home town that's not really the case, but this time it's true. And I'm just so sad and too far away right now.

I found out yesterday that Nick Cusack, a boy I went to primary school with, died two weeks ago after falling in front of a goods train.

Nick was a quiet, strange, intense guy. He loved AC/DC and knowing the names of all the trees. He loved learning slightly obscure things. And he loved trains.

Every Saturday night he'd bring a takeout to the train station (which hasn't been used in years) and eat it on the platform whilst waiting for the goods train to go by. He knew when each train was due, he knew the numbers, he knew how many trucks each train would have.

This night, 1 March, he arrived a little early. So he curled up on the platform and went to sleep. When the train was approaching the driver blew the whistle, and Nick got a fright and fell onto the tracks. The train hit him. And it doesn't really matter whether he died quickly from his horrific injuries or slowly because there was a mix up getting the helicopter to take him to hospital in Dunedin. He's now gone and it's heartbreaking.

He was only 27. He'd never experienced love (because people found him too intense) and he had so much life ahead of him. And now his sister has to live without her big brother, his parents have to live without their sweet son.

Rest in peace, Nick.

I wish you'd found more understanding when you with us. I wish we'd chatted a few more times. I wish you could be there at the next reunion. I wish you'd experienced romance. I wish you were still there.

Gah, I was suppose to catch a flight from Kansas City to Chicago then to Toronto to visit our very own Urza, this flight was suppose to be saturday. My first flight was delayed but it was delayed so long I'd eventually miss my next flight, so the whole thing was canceled. They found one for me that left kansas city at 6 AM. SIX IN THE MORNING! I had to be there at 5, had to get up at 4. I've slept for a total of 2 hours in the past 30 or so. Not to mention flown about 4 hours and had a 3 hour lay over and took a cab for the first time in my life, by my self. But im here!

I've come to visit Adam. Of my own free will, yes, it is true. He's rather funny but only has alcohol in the house. That and 6 spoiled eggs and 1 package of old meat, Imean it, his fridge has like 4 bottles of beer, half a bottle of sherry, the freezer has some vodka, and the cabinets are filled with all sorts of alcohol. This means I need to buy some macaroni and cheese, because I cant just live off of alcohol, though I can legally get a drink here, it's awesome. We went to Medieval Times tonight, it as very fun. I go home next sunday, I think it shall be a fun week I know he's not the nicest guy to a lot of you, but he's always been nice to me, hes like my brother, he even introduced me as his sister to the door man.

Im not sure of the time, as today was the daylight savings time thing in America but then Toronto is an hour ahead of what I usually am, so trying to figure out what time it was yesterday with little sleep is odd. But it was a blessing in disguise I suppose, missing my flight, as I got to meet Brandon's grandparents and some of his mom's side, we watched the Kansas State vs. KU game and I stayed with them last night. And this sunday I get to go to dinner with them for his mother and his sisters birthday celebration. Im just glad for a break from school.

~~Del

seriously?

well, It seems like forever. right now my two year anniversary of living in htis apartment is coming up.but i just woke up from a dream, where I was trying to convince my dad to loan me, 9 thousand dollars to buy a teeny tiny house, it was just basically a one room shack for 90,000$, a foreclosure that had been gutted. and to make matters worse it was a corner house at a crossroads.in my dream I wanted this house SOOO terribly badly, but as I remember my dream, it had no bathroom. (people's where would you go potty in a house w/o a bathroom. get real) The mind does silly things to a person.

How fun. However, I must work harder at music during this time, because I will be performing in April. Oh well.

I'm hungry and there's a good chance I'm going to go downstairs to the kitchen and cook something. This is a big deal because I have never done this before.

So, an hour-ish ago I told my boyfriend that I wasn't depressed anymore and had put the day in perspective, but apparently that's not true... I'm eating tons of food that I know is going to make me quite ill, for one thing.

I had that appointment with the specialist today. He saw me for maybe two minutes and asked the same questions as the other docs. We agreed to do a sigmoidoscopy (and biopsies) first, which is almost exactly like a colonoscopy but does not look at the whole colon. It's also a LOT cheaper. So that's scheduled for April 1st. Another two weeks of waiting.

I won't say the doctor was bad; he was brusque, but that doesn't tell you much. He did ask while examining me if I was nervous/scared, which I definitely was. I wasn't scared of pain, though, like he thought. (He kept saying, "I'm not going to do anything to you today..." ) I was scared due to not knowing what's going on or if I'm acting in the right way.

Tests for inflammation markers of Crohn's/colitis were all negative, which means almost ALL the tests have been negative so far, even the ones for things that I was (almost?) sure I'd observed. Which leaves me feeling like a crazy again. At this point, it's practically Nothing or Cancer. All common sense suggests that the Nothing is much more probable. However, even if I did have cancer, the chance of the sigmoidoscopy catching it would only be about 25%. So... although it's more than two weeks away, I'm already pretty much convinced they won't find anything, and I'll go home feeling like a psychosomatic idiot again.

In the meantime, I can't sleep in the same bed as said boyfriend because I don't want to wake him when being ill at midnight, 3 a.m., six a.m...
I'm not a happy camper.

I just feel drained. I know every one else has tests and projects and stuff right now, i know, and i know they know exactly how I feel. But just in case some do not, I shall verbalize what we are all feeling in my own words.

Im doing more things than I ever have this year. Im working in the costume shop, but I also work in the scene shop for class, 2 hours a week, which is not a lot, but its physical labor, which though it makes me sound like a pussy, I'm admitting I'm not use to it. It felt like I was ran over by a truck last week, and Wednesday is here again. I should be glad my day ends at 5 but damn its tough, for me. Most people can do this, but like I said, Im not use to it.

I just got off of the opera, which while was very fun, also took a lot of time. Like I said, work till 5, but last week I had theatre at 6 so it was high tail it back to eat then right back to where I was. Then finish at 9 and work frantically on shit for school.

Im in this costume craft class, which I must say i love, but its tough. We can only use recycled materials, or things bought from a second hand shop. This is anything that is in its second life stage. I dont mean you can buy things that are recycled, you have to find them. Or hope the thrift stores have them. I am on wonderful terms with the man at the best thrift store here (the only one here, I should think). Hes very nice. Anyways, my first project was to make a hat out of toys. I did a King Arthur themed top hat with legos, a draw bridge, a round table, moat,awesome bricks all around it, and the sword in the stone (play-doh stone!). I loved it, and more importantly, so did my teacher/advisor/boss.

This next project is killing me though. We have to make a suit of cyber armor. You can use duct tape, card board, and anything electronic. Most have opted to gut any and all electronics. I took apart my room phone, i never used it, only telemarketers called. And got a bunch of free stuff from the nice man at the thrift store. Im using an old catchers protective thingy, it goes over his chest and tummy. Its red and gross, but now covered in tape. I think I have done a good job on it. One shoulder pad has every screw I've taken from all the appliances inserted in it at all different heights. I tried to make it articulated, just the shoulder pads, and I'm going for Italian 16th or so century armor, but I also have duct tape scales.

The other shoulder pad has car chargers sticking up on it, there are 4 plates that make up each shoulder pad, so 4 chargers, along with a slew of resistors and odds from circuit boards. I've got the top part of the breast plate covered in black scales then the bottom has different shaped circuit boards on it, connected with colored wire. The middle has a cool futuristic shield a friend gave me and I used an old speaker from my phone I beleive and a bunch of little LEDs in the middle of the shield so I look a bit like Iron Man.

Good god, I've spent at least 2 hours a night on this thing for 3 weeks! Its due thursday and I am still very much not done. Im trying to make a coif/gorget type thing out of phone cords but thats not going well... Krylon spray paint for plastic is bull shit, do not get it.

Im exhausted. Spring break could not come at a better time. Im making tons of new friends and having the time of my life, but I swear its killing me faster than sitting at home and drinking coke all day, watching TV. I just dont want to have dead lines for like 3 days, would be amazing. Even on weekends I have shit to do, theatre, projects, work, bah. I know, everyone has shit to do, I dont have it nearly as bad as others, but im dying here. The problem, for lack of a better word, its so much fun.

~~Del

Life is a c*cksucker and I don't have one.

us drunk kids
them catholics
we're all about the same
just waiting
for something
hoping to be saved


Right. Here we are, Doctor Bullshit and I. Again. (And even if we're just some asshole's dream, we're still just as real as anything else.) I've been trying reallyreally hard this last year to see myself in the mirror, which is difficult to do while at the same time being in an objective world. Now I have a pretty decent sense of where I am, and an OK idea about what time really is. The trick to solve this completely seems to be getting to where I'm OK with sleeping both sober and alone.

So. First step is kicking Doctor Bullshit out of my bed. I'm a little bit afraid of leaving him here in Norway, 'cause he might just be waiting for me when I return. Wherever I belong, I belong there without him. And then there's the Sobering Up, because a functioning alcoholic is still an alcoholic; and an alcoholic has problems with peripheral vision. The last pages of the first chapter in the book about my Real Life have no room for anything but unwavering lucidity.

Portugal, huh? Well. Why not? Leave the liberty in that broken bell. Tomorrow there's a flight, and then I'm going walking. No booze, no books, no internet; no Doctor Bullshit and no Captain Bumout.


. . .

Sweet Jesus Batman. This is gonna be like totally kickass.



/////


Haha. Hahaha! Of all my missed-the-flight incidents, this particular fuck-up is by far the least fixable with ice cream. Ah. Yes. The universe has spoken. I had an agenda. Universe doesn't like agendas. Least not mine. But! This kind of shit always precedes magic. Like totally kickass will still arrive, even if I have to drag it kicking & screaming.

So. What's next? Let's just turn this page, damnit; I'm up for whatever!

I'm at my parents' house for the weekend, and since they're renovating the upstairs rooms, they wanted me to go through all my old things. Talk about nostalgia and mixed emotions. There are the clothes, ranging from child's size 10 to women's size 18 - and bear in mind that I pitched ALL of my clothes at age 16 and started over. Some of the shirts look as though they would fit baby dolls. I finally threw certain things away, accepting that I don't really ever want to weigh 85 pounds again. Saved the nicer Smalls though. I'm getting there, if slowly.

Also went through all my old stuffed toys, which is another wave of memories... several of them were from my now-boyfriend, who was then-friend, but wanted to date me. The toys themselves tend to be funny-looking and endearing. They are overwhelmingly reminiscent of him.

Then, finally, the journals and sketchbooks. I'm always amazed by the things I wrote when I was 12, 13, 14 - not that they're of great literary quality or so, but they do tend to embody thoughts and feelings that don't seem quite appropriate for that age. One poem is actually a love letter from a pistol to its owner, who also happens to be a murderer.

Here's a milder example. It's about the three stages of a (probably lesbian) relationship:

sunlight falls between my hair
i'm thinking of you
i cut a sprig from the apple tree
white petals look purer on you
it's like cutting a piece of myself
i bring it to you

holding hands in a darkened room
surrounded by them
the farce proceeds and i draw you in
unconscious of them
you laugh like a sun and all eyes turn
our heat unsettles them

the violets shudder beneath my touch
fragile as us
i don't know who called them blue
but he was wiser than us
we've forgotten the warmth beneath the love
your eyes are cold when you think of us
- 2002

I mean, okay, most of the hundred-and-some pink and white lines on my arms date from that period, so I'm pretty sure I wasn't exactly happy. But I was so creative! There are at least a hundred-and-some poems as well, and many more drawings.

I do not know what happened, only that it coincided with my first year of college. It wasn't like I suddenly got happy and couldn't channel the dark dreamy self anymore. Instead, the depression got worse, but... different. More tinged with anxiety and inertia.

Maybe it's also that (my) creativity can't exist in a vacuum, and I did become much more isolated, both socially and intellectually. The exact opposite of what's supposed to happen at university.

Anyway, I really want to start reading, writing, and dreaming more.