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A deep cut to your heart... Danu Send a noteboard - 15/03/2017 09:16:40 PM

Like a deep cut to any body part will leave a scar, and this scar will fester for a long time. But unlike a deep cut to your arm or leg this cut will never fully heal. There will always be a part of this cut that will always have a scab that years from now will bleed tears after some small thing snags and rips that scab open.

I know because...I know.



(((big hugs)))





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If you are put off by narcissistic, self-indulgent bullshit, please don’t read any further. I feel you. I’m good with that. More often than not, I would be right there.

It is three weeks today, since I held my wife in my arms as she took her last breath. The cremation is done and the urn is on my mantle. The memorial service has come and gone. The flowers were dying so they went out today with the rest of the garbage. I went back to work. I’m trying hard to function.

It’s not working.

People make fatuous statements about how each day will get a little bit easier.

They’re wrong.

The pain is not any better today than it was three weeks ago. If anything, it’s worse. Each day is another day of trying and failing to pretend I’m okay. Each night is another night of trying and failing to sleep. Wine doesn’t help. Neither does bourbon. Or valium. I’ve tried.

I've tried making the same sort of snarky posts I always did in the past, both here and on Facebook. But my heart isn't in it.

I always viewed myself as a tough old son of a bitch. Not anymore. I weep like a baby at the drop of a hat. Songs, TV shows, lines in books and magazines, even watching the snowfall today, fill me with an irrevocable sense of loss. These were all things I formerly shared with the most important person in my life. I can’t anymore. I never will again.

I apologize once again for this sappy drivel. I’m ashamed to be writing it. The simple act of visualizing my feelings as I type them into a word doc somehow eases the constant ache in my heart. So I guess I’m doing it for me. Please don’t feel compelled to reply. I’m not looking for pity. I’m trying to convince myself there is a reason to keep going. I try to focus on my kids, my granddaughter, and how much they need me. While I believe that’s true, on an emotional level I just want to be with Laurel again.

The last line from Janis Ian’s Tea and Sympathy keeps playing in an endless loop in my head.


“Now I lay me down to sleep,
Forever by your side.”


P.S I promise to try to never do this again.


CrazedWeasel
OCWIATJ Forever!
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I apologize to all of you for what I am about to write. - 15/03/2017 03:12:32 AM 934 Views
The only thing I can say..... - 15/03/2017 03:46:59 AM 752 Views
yes, that's true. - 15/03/2017 03:35:43 PM 728 Views
A geek's answer - 15/03/2017 05:39:33 AM 789 Views
I'm impressed. - 15/03/2017 03:23:46 PM 696 Views
All right. This might be worth you reading, then. - 15/03/2017 06:19:00 AM 761 Views
I agree with the basic concept. - 15/03/2017 03:21:42 PM 681 Views
You have no need to apologize. - 15/03/2017 10:59:02 AM 771 Views
That's an excellent suggestion. - 15/03/2017 03:17:59 PM 698 Views
You feel what you feel. And you don't need to say sorry. - 15/03/2017 12:11:22 PM 659 Views
I hate to burden others - 15/03/2017 03:16:57 PM 689 Views
You're apologizing for the wrong thing. - 15/03/2017 12:28:57 PM 820 Views
I've never had any macho issues with showing my feelings - 15/03/2017 03:14:54 PM 707 Views
<3 - 15/03/2017 06:07:56 PM 614 Views
*hugs* *NM* - 15/03/2017 01:59:03 PM 373 Views
*hugs back. hard* *NM* - 15/03/2017 03:10:42 PM 364 Views
We are here for you. *NM* - 15/03/2017 02:18:04 PM 484 Views
Hell, don't apologize to us. And run with the pain, not from it. - 15/03/2017 02:46:26 PM 689 Views
I can't imagine what it would be like to have your child murdered. - 15/03/2017 03:10:00 PM 668 Views
**manhugs with loving back pats** *NM* - 15/03/2017 03:20:37 PM 400 Views
I'm Italian-American. Italian men hug. *NM* - 16/03/2017 01:34:29 AM 385 Views
I'm glad you can share with us and maybe, just maybe, get some comfort from us. - 15/03/2017 05:27:33 PM 657 Views
It's more than just maybe - 15/03/2017 06:13:13 PM 693 Views
There is bleeding all over the internet and there is true sharing that touches everyone who reads it - 15/03/2017 06:52:25 PM 680 Views
That's a good point and one I think of constantly. - 16/03/2017 12:21:49 AM 738 Views
There is no shame in this.... - 15/03/2017 07:46:43 PM 800 Views
Thanks, Jeo - 16/03/2017 12:26:29 AM 737 Views
Like the others said... - 15/03/2017 08:22:14 PM 720 Views
me too - 16/03/2017 12:22:52 AM 624 Views
A deep cut to your heart... - 15/03/2017 09:16:40 PM 739 Views
Re: A deep cut to your heart... - 16/03/2017 12:27:52 AM 698 Views
Oh Mook, Thank you for sharing. - 16/03/2017 05:03:21 PM 922 Views
No apology needed... - 19/03/2017 03:15:01 PM 688 Views

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