I had to take a deep breath and count to ten before replying here. Not because I'm upset with you, but with my doctor. God, I miss the psychiatrist I had over the summer. She was young and warm and very smart, and she liked me. I know that shouldn't matter, but I'm hypersensitive to praise, criticism, and indifference. Indifference is all I get from the university psychs. My summer doctor (that's what I'm going to call her from now on) really meant it when she told me I wasn't a bad person. Because she meant it, I believed her.

Okay, sorry for the tangent. No, no, I get nothing like in Manic! (Which I just finished reading and was going to NB you about.) It's exhilarating to read her descriptions, but it's also extremely easy for me to say I've never had anything like that.

I get what I call "crisis moments" where the world becomes very unstable. My thoughts do swirl at rapid speed, but they are all the negative kind: a thousand reasons why my future is hopeless, or about how I'm alone... I will start crying and sob for several minutes, get a hold of myself, and begin again in a few more minutes. It becomes physically painful, and sometimes I hyperventilate. I often find it hard to function (that is, speak, move around, coordinate my body), and have minor visual/tactile hallucinations. Generally, I really, really want to hurt myself. I do have adrenaline coursing all through my body... but it's just intense despair, it's not mania! These episodes usually last for a few hours, during which I try my hardest not to do anything stupid. Afterwards I lose memory of the details and the chronology; it's replaced by vague impressions with one or two specific moments thrown in. Just like after a really intense and upsetting fight.

Anyway. That was long. It was also my first real effort at putting those moments in writing. So, my current doctor has this thing about treating the "symptoms" rather than labeling me with a specific disorder, be it bipolar II or BPD or whatever. I guess he regards this symptom as rapid cycling, or at least something which might respond to mood stabilizing drugs.

Btw, I have a good in-person friend with ADHD, and she's constantly insisting I have it too. But it seems like one of my dozen doctors would have suggested that by now... I wish they had; I'm jealous of your drugs! My humble Lexapro/Klonopin regimen is not that bad (in terms of side effects), but it's clearly not that effective, either, since those crisis moments keep occurring. Do yours work for you?