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Journal: Entry for StarEnight

Ugh so tired

Author: StarEnight Send a noteboard

Posted: 04/01/2012 07:14:45 AM

Views: 4520

Yesterday I helped my dad out on the farm. I trudged up a hill so steep it puts roller coasters to shame, I spent two hours dragging out tree branches and putting them on the fire, and the entire time there was a steady, frigid rainfall. In the end I was cold, tired, and soaked to the skin.

Today I am pretty darn sore. My back hurts pretty bad. I made a joke with my dad that next time he can just beat me with a shovel because it will hurt the same but won't take as long. So my mom pipes up "Oh but just think of the calories you burned."

"Really? Really?" So I give them a hand. Which I'm willing to do whenever Dad asks but I dare not grumble. No I should be happy and grateful because my fat ass burned some calories.

This seems like such a minor thing to most people but here is a little background. I was raised in a family of fat people who hate fat people. If I would tell my grandmother I was hungry she'd tell me to jump around. (wtf? who does that to a little kid?) My morbidly obese mother told me from the time I was a small child "no one likes fat people." and "when you're fat everyone thinks you're stupid." This has lead to a lifetime of self esteem issues, trying too hard in friendships and relationships because deep down I suspect I'm unworthy due to my weight. Also I think that's the reason I worry so much about whether or not people think I'm intelligent.

It's taken years for me to realize this and try to break the cycle. If my daughter's boyfriend says she's fat it's not because guys aren't attracted to fat girls as I was told (some actually are), it's because that particular guy is a jerk and she's better off without him. I don't criticize her weight, ever, nor do I suggest she diet or exercise. My daughter is 5'5 and curvy but she is *not* fat.

I love my family but sometimes I really get annoyed by them. I lost 60 lbs in 2011 so it's not like I haven't been losing weight, I'm not trying, and I need them to tell me to go walk up a hill. :P
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