I debated whether or not to write this, because it's fairly personal. However, that is not the reason I'm using the Postsecret screen name. It doesn't bother me if you guys know the story and who I am (and it's not very difficult to figure out who I am if you want to). It's just that there are off-site reasons why I might not want this post connected to my user name, one of which is the privacy of the other person in the story, which is a consideration far beyond my own willingness to be open. So I trust that you'll indulge me, and hope that you'll be respectful.

The story goes like this: As a male who has been single for large parts of his adult life, I am no stranger to pornography. Few and far between were the days when I didn't look at something. There was no harm in it, and of course I'm not ashamed of it. It was there, I had desires, bada-boom. But some time ago I made the acquaintance of a lovely lady and we began serious dating which in time became much more. When out intimacy level reached its boiling point, I was naturally very excited, but then at first I had some difficulty. I chalked it up to inexperience, but when I caught myself having to think about porn in order to get off, I had to reconsider. I tried to dial down the amount of porn I was looking at, and it helped. I had more energy for her.

She soon learned of my occasional online viewing habits, naturally. She wasn't upset or anything, but she asked me to stop, to refrain while I had other options (namely, her). I could see where she was coming from, so I agreed.

Now, before any of you other guys out there jump in to call me whipped or emasculated or whatever, as certain guys seem to love to do for some reason, let me repeat: I agreed. Of course I could see why she wouldn't want me looking at technologically perfected women on my computer screen, investing a portion of my desire on them instead of on her. Especially since I was already trying to dial it back for the sake of our intimacy. If I were a woman I would probably feel the same way. She didn't care if I looked at it if she was gone somewhere and out of reach, but when I had her, she didn't want me to, she didn't want to feel like I was filling some part of my needs with fantasy women instead of with her, and I understood that.

And so I gave it up. Except it was immediately a lot harder than I thought it would be. I would find myself having cravings for pornography. I was so used to it, so used to looking at it whenever I wanted, that it took real willpower to stop myself, and sometimes I would slip. It's pretty clear that at some level, in some measure, I had been addicted to it. I can't blame myself for that, but in my current circumstances it had become something of a problem, and it was a bit of a wakeup call to realize as well. I can only speak for myself, but I prefer not to be addicted to things on mere principal alone. I like to be in control of myself and my actions, and however a person tells themself otherwise, addiction means you're not.

The effort has been ongoing but has also been entirely worth it. Our intimacy is consistent and satisfying, and I have no need to imagine anything with her. We have a very good relationship on multiple levels. I find that having all of my energy directed at her instead of siphoning some of it off for digital photos and videos is good for both of us.

Each to their own, of course, and I'm not suggesting that every guy would be the same way, and I'm not by any means trying to condemn porn because let's face it, guys have a lot of energy and it has to be directed somewhere. But in my own experience I think there is truth to the idea that constant exposure to porn affects the male libido, and has the potential to affect his relationship with women, whether that's through expectations or desires or whatever else. Maybe for some the effect is minimal, maybe for some there's no effect at all.

Yet, for me I think it's pretty clear that there was an effect. And I'm finding things much more satisfying with the effect removed, or at least severely dampened. I'm happy with my relationship and with my life, and at the end of the day that's what counts.

Of course, I agree with the women who have replied to this post about showing appreciation and not wanting to have to be like a porn star to satisfy a guy. People should be comfortable and should be themselves and enjoy themselves, wherever on the spectrum that happens to put them. I wouldn't want to feel pressure to have to measure up to the pure physical look and performance of male porn actors, and so even if that pressure might be more perceived than real, I wouldn't want my partner to feel that way either. So those are my thoughts.