I could be a kid again with nothing to do after school but ride up and down the street on bikes with a friend on these beautiful clouded fall days?

That sentence felt weird. I'm not going to correct it.

Anyway I'm thinking of making a studio in the basement, for recording music and/or painting. It's about time I start giving my ideas their due, right? Wrong. I've been saying this for, like, a decade.

Also I forgot that I bought a skirt once when I was a stupid (only slightly) rebellious teenager. For some reason I still have it. Quite comfortable, really, and not for the first time I find myself wishing I'd been made a woman. I used to think that it would be cool for the access to a vagina, but really it would be cool for the accessories. As an admirer of dresses, jewelry, long hair etc. I can only but resent my maleness and its droll ways of being presented. Jeans, t-shirt. Flannel. Check.

Anyway I don't really wish to be a woman, because I feel naked without a beard and my eyebrows are good and heavy. Also I am not sexist; I adore the vagina and I can't get it off my mind. Walking home I was thinking, It's weird to know what your friend tastes like (even when she didn't really taste like anything). Also I find myself wishing she'd call, but I'm fighting that, and that reminds me that I need to pray for a Yin Convergence. I was thinking that it would be best to take the path of the Yielding on this one, a new situation for me. But anyway wouldn't it be cool if you could have your vagina and eat it too?

The cold is coming, which makes me appreciate black metal again. Wolves in the Throne Room are an awesome American black metal band, which sounds like an oxymoron, I know. I don't think the members have ever killed anybody, or even burned a church.

Also when I was walking home I was thinking that it's cool for someone to say hi to you when you pass ways on the sidewalk and you've got headphones on. I really didn't start wearing headphones around much until the last couple years, and despite the pleasures of walking soundtracks, in some ways I'm uncomfortable with how music can cut you off from the environment. Anyway it's cool that a person will say hi even if they think you can't hear. I can. I do. I say hi sometimes, and people are surprised. Looking strangers in the eye is an oddly difficult thing to do sometimes, and odd for the very fact of being odd.

Also I was writing this dumb song about that, in a way, and I played it last night at an open mic. I enjoy doing this. I get to find out how bad I am, but there are honest good surprises, too. Anyway, we are all kin, and have to be whether or not we're false or true toward one another. So I look people in the eyes sometimes and I say hi a lot.

Yesterday I ran about two and a half miles in really good time. It was crazy. You should have seen it. I'm not even in good shape but man, I was glistening, striding, straight-backed and proud into the sun. Oddly warm for near November. I think it was just the remains of my night of extreme sexual frustration which led me into such surprising stamina and endurance.

The sexual connotation to these last words was not a fortunate occurrence; I did not intend it. But I'm not going to fix it.

Anyway they called it 'the closing of the gates' and I thought about that while I ran, and I ran harder and harder to the end thinking maybe I'd find it in me to be accepting, yielding, open and dark like the earth, so that all good things will come to me in time.

Oh yeah, also I was going to write a song about that earlier today. My brother was doing the dishes, and I thought, well now, I'm the one who started to feel underappreciated for cooking, cleaning, singing songs while no-one pays attention but pity is false and useless in a system wherein no discrete entity can be formed, and anyway you see I just had to wait a little bit and someone helped. Someone noticed. Good things are coming, you just gotta take your time. Or something. I hate to seem like I'm proselytizing but it's good to get some thoughts out from time to time.

I've got this facial twitch, like a muscle spasm. It started last night and it's getting slightly disconcerting. Every so often I feel a quivering sensation along the left side of my nose and cheek. Weird!

There's no toilet paper at my house and it seems we've come to a bit of an impasse.

By the way wouldn't it be cool if the bidet would catch on in America?

I don't know if I spelled bidet correctly but I won't look it up and I'm not going to correct it if it's wrong.

America is a funny place, you know people will stare you down with wonder, suspicion, or overt disapproval just for being hairy or wearing something weird, like a skirt, but they will ALWAYS thank you for holding open the door, ESPECIALLY when holding open a door for them was completely unnecessary to begin with. This shit is hilarious. Try it sometime, if you are foreign or don't get out much.

Pretend we just took an excursion to the books board together and pretend that I just made a topic about James Fenimore Cooper asking if anybody has read any of his books and then mentioning how sort of impossible it is. I really want to like it but I'm afraid I don't have the stamina, er, endurance to get through one, no matter how sexually frustrated I may be. Come to think of it James Fenimore Cooper's writing style is almost like a literary equivalent to staying up all night playing with one of your good friends but never getting to the point. Thirteen commas in one sentence? Really? It's enough to make Henry James laugh.

Also it would be nice to know where she stands on this whole thing. Most likely it's not a new situation for her, and I am at a disadvantage due to my relative inexperience. I used to be so good at being alone. S'pose I still am, somehow. In the meantime I got this sweater still and it smells like womanflesh.

Also she did text me, it said, "I smell like you."

Anyway, wouldn't it be cool if I could be a little boy again?