(Set to the tune of "Shaft" by Isaac Hayes)

Who's the snarky millenarian
Who once kicked it as a Bavarian?
(Tom!)
You're damn right.

Who's that who played
Years before the first Crusade?
(Tom!)
Can ya dig it?

Who's the Slav who won't back down
When Napoleon comes knockin' round?
(Tom!)
Right on.

You see this cat Tom is an old mother—
(Shut your mouth)
But I'm talkin' about Tom.
(Then we can dig it)

He's an ancient kinda man
And it's creepy how he likes such younger women.
(TVoLT Tom)