I can't personally say that I've experienced what you have. But I do know that my friend had a horrendous experience - her 3-year-old was murdered. She told me that she didn't really even start to feel better until after about a half a year later, and even now, several years later, it is still only just bearable. The best thing you can do at this point is not to deny the pain. Grieve. People used to wear black, or black armbands, for a year or more to show they were mourning so that we knew how hard it was. Don't fight the pain. Run with it, not from it. And yes, at a certain point, it might get to be almost bearable. Then, a few years after that, it might be manageable. But Hell, it's not going to happen overnight, or even in a few months. Just let it out, and keep letting it out, and keep going through every day the best you can.