Journal: Entry for Lupine
I kind of miss my teenage self. I know, it's strange.
Author: Lupine Send a noteboard
Posted: 07/03/2010 08:23:45 PM
Views: 2322
I'm at my parents' house for the weekend, and since they're renovating the upstairs rooms, they wanted me to go through all my old things. Talk about nostalgia and mixed emotions. There are the clothes, ranging from child's size 10 to women's size 18 - and bear in mind that I pitched ALL of my clothes at age 16 and started over. Some of the shirts look as though they would fit baby dolls. I finally threw certain things away, accepting that I don't really ever want to weigh 85 pounds again. Saved the nicer Smalls though. I'm getting there, if slowly.
Also went through all my old stuffed toys, which is another wave of memories... several of them were from my now-boyfriend, who was then-friend, but wanted to date me. The toys themselves tend to be funny-looking and endearing. They are overwhelmingly reminiscent of him.
Then, finally, the journals and sketchbooks. I'm always amazed by the things I wrote when I was 12, 13, 14 - not that they're of great literary quality or so, but they do tend to embody thoughts and feelings that don't seem quite appropriate for that age. One poem is actually a love letter from a pistol to its owner, who also happens to be a murderer.
Here's a milder example. It's about the three stages of a (probably lesbian) relationship:
sunlight falls between my hair
i'm thinking of you
i cut a sprig from the apple tree
white petals look purer on you
it's like cutting a piece of myself
i bring it to you
holding hands in a darkened room
surrounded by them
the farce proceeds and i draw you in
unconscious of them
you laugh like a sun and all eyes turn
our heat unsettles them
the violets shudder beneath my touch
fragile as us
i don't know who called them blue
but he was wiser than us
we've forgotten the warmth beneath the love
your eyes are cold when you think of us
- 2002
I mean, okay, most of the hundred-and-some pink and white lines on my arms date from that period, so I'm pretty sure I wasn't exactly happy. But I was so creative! There are at least a hundred-and-some poems as well, and many more drawings.
I do not know what happened, only that it coincided with my first year of college. It wasn't like I suddenly got happy and couldn't channel the dark dreamy self anymore. Instead, the depression got worse, but... different. More tinged with anxiety and inertia.
Maybe it's also that (my) creativity can't exist in a vacuum, and I did become much more isolated, both socially and intellectually. The exact opposite of what's supposed to happen at university.
Anyway, I really want to start reading, writing, and dreaming more.
Also went through all my old stuffed toys, which is another wave of memories... several of them were from my now-boyfriend, who was then-friend, but wanted to date me. The toys themselves tend to be funny-looking and endearing. They are overwhelmingly reminiscent of him.
Then, finally, the journals and sketchbooks. I'm always amazed by the things I wrote when I was 12, 13, 14 - not that they're of great literary quality or so, but they do tend to embody thoughts and feelings that don't seem quite appropriate for that age. One poem is actually a love letter from a pistol to its owner, who also happens to be a murderer.
Here's a milder example. It's about the three stages of a (probably lesbian) relationship:
sunlight falls between my hair
i'm thinking of you
i cut a sprig from the apple tree
white petals look purer on you
it's like cutting a piece of myself
i bring it to you
holding hands in a darkened room
surrounded by them
the farce proceeds and i draw you in
unconscious of them
you laugh like a sun and all eyes turn
our heat unsettles them
the violets shudder beneath my touch
fragile as us
i don't know who called them blue
but he was wiser than us
we've forgotten the warmth beneath the love
your eyes are cold when you think of us
- 2002
I mean, okay, most of the hundred-and-some pink and white lines on my arms date from that period, so I'm pretty sure I wasn't exactly happy. But I was so creative! There are at least a hundred-and-some poems as well, and many more drawings.
I do not know what happened, only that it coincided with my first year of college. It wasn't like I suddenly got happy and couldn't channel the dark dreamy self anymore. Instead, the depression got worse, but... different. More tinged with anxiety and inertia.
Maybe it's also that (my) creativity can't exist in a vacuum, and I did become much more isolated, both socially and intellectually. The exact opposite of what's supposed to happen at university.
Anyway, I really want to start reading, writing, and dreaming more.
tragedy stirs the sould
but so does happiness and passion 
You'll find that many things can inspire your creativity if you let them. I'm sure you could write something lovely about your pup
You'll find that many things can inspire your creativity if you let them. I'm sure you could write something lovely about your pup
i understand how you feel.
i was really creative while i was very depressed... especially dark and interesting while i was anorexic... now that i'm happy, well, i haven't written a poem in years... or drawn anything in years... sigh.
i try not to think of it as "i was creative when i was depressed"
when did "Creative" become "dark"? I think people just tend to write and draw more when they're depressed because the emotion is there and positive emotion tends to drive one to do something active instead of write or draw. But I mean, that doesn't mean you aren't creative when you're happy. The Beatles had fantastic happy-songs 
oh, having studied creativity, i know that it's an illusion. i'm also creative while happy...
just not the same ways. it's not like i really want to go back to those times, but sometimes i miss that feeling of making art. i make other types of creative things instead these days, and it's great in its own happy way.
if you read kay jamison's work, she has studied how working in the creative arts is linked to bipolar I and II and depression. there's a whole lot of research related to creativity that has come out in the past decade describing the relationship between mental health status and types of creativity. it's pretty fascinating stuff!
if you read kay jamison's work, she has studied how working in the creative arts is linked to bipolar I and II and depression. there's a whole lot of research related to creativity that has come out in the past decade describing the relationship between mental health status and types of creativity. it's pretty fascinating stuff!