2:42 The intro actually gives me negative vibes.

3:07 No one CARES, Adar. This is such a pretentious cliché to show the villain all spaced out and autistic-like.

3:42 Duh duh DUH! There’s a big ARMY right out of the shot! Isn’t the contrast amazing?

4:59 The only one who ever enslaved the orcs was Morgoth and then Sauron. They’re trying to give all this modern coding stuff intended to suggest this is payback for something wrong someone did in the past, but it’s just groundless.

7:49 You would think engineers would have designed the braces on the tower to prevent exactly this sort of thing from happening.

By the way, this means that Bronwyn’s brilliant plan to lead the villagers to safety would have come to naught as soon as the attacking orcs managed to hit that exterior support structure with their flaming arrows. We know they have arrows, and they are carrying around torches even though night time is their ideal light condition, so you have to figure fire was part of the plan.

8:05 I suppose Mori is going to turn out to be an engineer, among his other talents.

8:39 So. How’s that food situation going? I guess the writers forgot about it now that they have other crises to preoccupy this plot arc.

9:39 Now Isildur and the Mouth of Sauron are going to bond?
Just taking a wild stab at Halbrand’s identity; actually, he could even be Sauron. I mean, he couldn’t, but the writers have proven to be sufficiently indifferent to the lore that the reasons why he shouldn’t be Sauron probably don’t matter.

Actually, they’ve messed around so much Halbrand COULD be Sauron. He’s a great craftsman and warrior despite looking relatively young to have mastered two such varied skillsets, he’s got a dark side that he seems afraid of, and he’s really persuasive and insightful when he wants to be. Sauron was still able to take a physical and attractive form before Numenor fell and he did repent briefly when he beheld the wrath of the Valar. Maybe he’s been running around trying to be a normal guy and not draw their wrath a second time, but just hasn’t been able to help himself, like when he went to town on the guildsman. And by bonding with Galadriel, it’s going to be a bigger shock when he is revealed than having Meteor Man Heat-sink Hobo turn out to be bad all along (not least because that would entail our spunky heroine being wrong about him, whereas there is no one warning Galadriel against Halbrand).

This is stupid, and had better not be true.

9:50 Okay, I thought, well, the horse doesn’t know any better to care that the apple had human saliva on it. But what the actual FUCK, Isildur?! Why would you take a bite out of something that was just in a horse’s mouth?

9:59 Also, an apple is like a peanut butter cup to something the size of a horse. Imagine if some little creature came up, offered you one bite of a Reese's and then walked away eating the rest of it?

10:03 And then proceeded to waste more than half of it! Isildur is going to refuse to destroy the One Ring. This is a thing all the normies know about him. He has an uphill climb to be accepted as a protagonist, his vapid portrayal to this point has not helped, and now he’s just teasing a horse and wasting food. Because there are lots of supermarkets where they are going…

10:24 Okay, this is on Tolkien too, but it’s not a matter of weakness of human eyeballs, there is a thing called the curve of the Earth.

Yes, I know the world has not been made round yet, but neither does anyone else. You don't get to neglect that bit of world-building and then use it to buff an OTT writer's pet.

10:27 Oh, Isildur read the books? Or maybe watched the other movies? What is he supposed to be quoting here?

10:44 “Despise not the labor that humbles the heart” might have some meaning if we ever saw the slightest hint that Galadriel had ever done such a thing, or had her heart humbled, ever.

10:50 A list of those kingdoms that were saved after being led to ruin would be nice, Galadriel. Maybe, sort of, you could say that about Gondolin, but it’s hardly like the kingdom itself was saved.

12:16 I wonder now about Isildur’s mother, because he looks like he’s got some non-white ethnicity in the wood pile, while Elendil is about as Caucasian as a brunet can be. I wonder if, since he’s just a minor noble, his wife is related to Miriel, and thus the blood of Elros comes down to Isildur and the line of Gondor that way. OTOH, Tar-Palantir looked pretty white and they are descended from Elrond’s twin brother, so who knows.

And don’t think I have not noticed this is the second time in less than ten minutes a character has asked a question that might be of interest to the viewers, which has not been answered.

12:43 Doesn’t count.

13:15 Why order them now to “make all possible haste”? What new information has come up to indicate the need for speed? Is it their confirmation that Middle Earth does, in fact, exist?

What it looks like to me, is a bunch of ignorant writers spewing out what sounds to them like good naval jargon.

13:50 Not easily do the lightsabers of Mordor shatter…

14:34 How fast do the writers think it is possible to forge multiple weapons, especially by people who would not have prior knowledge, or at least any recent practice doing so?

15:14 Well a fantasy writer has at least used the term “keep” correctly. Points for that.

16:52 Wow! Tolkien is a really popular writer in this world! Now Bronwyn is quoting Return of the King!

18:11 That did not feel like a tradition of the Elves, so much as a generic thing to say in a pretentious fantasy script. I could imagine someone saying the exact same thing about (insert culture) in “Game of Thrones” or Amazon’s “Wheel of Time”.

18:21 I am glad Mori did not dignify her inane comment with a response.

18:34 I am totally over things that are believed about the Valar in this show.

18:40 Did they not get the rights to the name of Yvanna?

19:28 Do the writers realize that this basically means Mori has to die, or Bronwyn has to move to Valinor, eventually?

20:58 It occurs to me that this would spare a considerable amount of Mordorite lives if Mori just went up to Adar and company, waved the Morgulsaber and then ran off with all the speed of his Elf feet, in a direction away from the village. I’m trying to remember if they know that’s what Adar is after.

21:27 Cue a sequence of writers showing off how clever they are at devising booby traps no one expects them to actually build…

21:48 I’m not a music expert (I’m basically like Hugh Laurie with pornography – I just know what I like), but it sounds like they are playing orc music from the movies. Or, more precisely, the music from the armies of badass Uruk-hai, with their superb discipline and equipment, in a formidable force, presenting a legitimate threat to the most secure fortress in Rohan, under the command of the mightiest wizard, who has gone rogue. This sad mob of orc refugees under an ugly Elf does not deserve the comparison.

22:07 People who live without matches or lighters would have known to keep hot coals ready for just this sort of thing. This is the plan of a writer who is proud of him/herself for realizing that flint and steel is a pain in the ass as an excuse to build tension.

23:52 Because it is not convenient to the plot, not one orc thinks to huck his torch up onto the thatched roof where the archers are shooting from.

They might think of it to increase the peril of the noncombatants in the tavern.

24:10 In my headcanon, even though it makes no sense for the orcs to go after the tavern despite being attacked from everywhere else (and they are not running and ducking like they are hoping to shelter in the one place that does not appear to have archers), that squad with the battering ram is disgruntled about having to make and carry the damn thing all the way up to Ostirith only to not need it, so, having now dragged it to yet another location, they are determined to batter down the door to something, so they are going for the tavern.

24:32 Given a free shot at the back of a human and an Elf, why would an orc pick the latter, unless he was certain his weapon could not penetrate the Elf’s plot armor?

And for the record, Mori failed to notice an orc sneaking up on them. When does an Elf ever fail to do that in Tolkien?

24:39 My bad. Two orcs snuck up on him, one of them carrying a big, clanky chain! How inept was that aging Elf commander who was set up as less competent than Mori?

24:56 Tossing Mori instead of stabbing him, because, again. No orcish weapon can pierce plot armor. That’s probably why Lindon wants Mithril so badly. “You don’t understand Elrond! Every Elf left in this kingdom with the power of speech is a white male! We cannot wear the plot armor that Galadriel and Arondir possess! Mithril is our only hope to survive until the prologue scene in Fellowship!”

25:10 Imagine if barbaric cultures gave their best weapons to their biggest guys, best able to use them, instead of saying “you’re big enough to toss a protagonist, we’ll give the pointy stuff to the little guys to slaughter the extras.”

25:20 Big Orc was stumped there, he had Mori helpless in his arms, but there are clear rules against pounding his head into mush or twisting his neck around. So he falls back on tossing him again.

27:03 Theo or Bronwyn? Dark horse candidate is the guy in the pale & highly visible white vest with the spear whom we have seen score a couple of kills in the group shots.

27:12 Time for Brownyn’s own shocking stabbing from behind? To motivate Theo taking up the Morgulsaber even though he really should know better?

27:26 We never even saw Adar in this fight. Do the writers really expect us to believe this matters?

27:37 Yeah, that guy.

28:59 I feel like I’m missing something here. Did they not expect to have to fight the people who explicitly said they were deserting to Team Adar? Do they feel guilty about killing people who attacked them? Even if they are not orcs, humans killing humans has pretty much been out default state since there were three males on the planet.

29:13 No, Whitevest, you were fighting the forces of Adar. You were fighting people who openly went over to his team knowing he was coming to kill you guys.

29:52 Ah! Whitevest, AKA Tredwill, is our designated sacrifice to make victory turn to ashes in their mouths. All that visibility and success during the battle was to humanize him, so we would regret this death.

30:14 And Bronwyn. I didn’t HATE her (plus she is one of two actors in this I recognized and liked from something else), but I did resent the show trying to make us care about her without showing any qualities other than being the protagonist and getting the important information first.

30:27 Tredwill is mobile! White vests are nearly as impenetrable as plot armor! Or maybe an Elf and a Balrog began fighting over a mutton dinner, and as a result, the wool of certain sheep was turned to mithril?

30:33 Not looking forward to time being spent on Bronwyn’s dying words.

31:31 Eh, he had a good run. Now the irreverent part of me is writing dialogue for Bronwyn like “No, seriously guys, deal with him first! Looking at a corpse is grossing me out!”

32:33 Did fucktard Mori hide the Morgulsaber under the tavern, so that all the blood from the wounded and dying is going to wake it up? I mean, it makes a degree of sense in that this was their fallback position and the place most heavily defended and likely to survive, and thus a way to keep the saber out of Orcish hands. But it seemed to me like his primary concern was keeping it out of the hands of corruptible Men.

32:56 When Brownwyn’s around, I’d have assumed Mori had all the burning wood he needed! +Rimshot+

33:03 And the special magic seeds are also gunpowder, I guess…

33:46 Just when I was thinking all the dying stuff was a fake out to have medical drama, now I wonder if she is going to actually die and be saved by the power of the Morgulsaber. This could be a Lady Stoneheart type twist or another thing where something good comes out of evil powers. I have no faith in their ability to execute it well.

34:45 Considerate of Adar to take his time until after Bronwyn’s medical travails were past, since the orcs running around the village unopposed were clearly waiting for him, before taking on the essentially undefended tavern.

34:55 “Now, my brothers of the battering ram, now is our moment to shine! Figuratively speaking, that is, because we don’t like light. But you get my drift.”

If they start chanting Grond, Imma spit on the screen. What was the name of Morgoth’s pocket knife?

35:27 Okay, what even is this? Stipulating that the timelines did not synch up and the Numenorean cavalry just happened upon the scene at the right moment, why are they galloping hell for leather over what looks like an empty plain, nowhere Bronwyn’s village? How is it suddenly daylight? How late in the night did Adar wait to attack? These questions are all making the good faith assumption that they have become aware of the attack and are riding to relieve the tavern. If they are just traveling cross-country like this, it’s even dumber. Because that’s not how you cavalry.

35:39 Still dark in the village. I guess Galadriel, Halbrand and the forces of Numenor are just racing their horses for shits and giggles. You don’t run any organism at top speed, if you expect them to engage in strenuous labor (e.g. combat) at their destination.

36:00 Even if Old Quising Villager told the Orcs that Bronwyn and Theo would be the best hostages to stop Mori, how did orcs recognize them? Were they told the sexiest woman and the kid with the stupidest haircut, and guessed right? Or did plot gorgets stop the blades from penetrating their necks?

36:08 Those two orcs holding Mori are like “Psst, do you have a Plot Armor Penetrator?” “Umm, nope. Let’s just try bluffing and hope his inevitable escape ends up being Adar’s fault.”

36:11 Will the almost-cute, maybe-blonde villager be our next sacrifice to the drama gods?

36:35 Are the writers aware that Quenya was banned in Middle Earth in the First Age? Is Adar one of the last followers of the House of Feanor? It might be a momentarily interesting twist if he was Maglor, but also canon-rape.

37:06 There she goes…

37:25 See, this is where the disconnect between scripting and filming comes into play. The writers probably just wrote

“Orcs start killing villagers one at a time, then Adar sees Arondir looking at Bronwyn."

ADAR:
‘The woman next'

Except the last extra to be killed was a woman. Clearly some women matter and some don’t.

37:33 And another orc steps in to threaten to kill Brownwyn instead of the one already standing over her. These foul creatures have a sense of drama.

37:42 Theo, you little shit.

37:59 Bet he’s not going to trade it for his mom, but try to wield it to defend her. Which won’t, or should not, go well.

38:26 Adar, at least, is not dumb enough to let an enemy handle a prized weapon, even if only to surrender it. Or maybe he’ll give it to Theo to enslave him. Which makes me wonder, if they have things like this, why would Sauron need to make the Nine Rings?

38:57 Elf eyes saw through all those surrounding foothills and trees to see the village under attack and ride for it at top speed.

39:04 Mori’s captors are like, “Oh shit! Now we’re in for it!”

39:20 If the attack was going on this close to daylight, you’d think the orcs would have been working with more urgency. Why even wait so late in the night to carry it out?

39:35 So those two cavalrymen were just galloping along with a chain between their horses, assuming they would find a bunch of enemy soldiers not in formation, on whom it would be more effective than actual weapons, with reach, before they encountered an obstacle stronger than 2 horsepower where they might end up riding around on opposite sides.

40:03 This would be a great place for a “Congratulations. You played yourself!” macro or GIF if it was at all possible that the writers understood a cavalryman would not do this! He has just sacrificed all the advantages of horseback, in order to become a poorly equipped and unsupported infantryman, in almost as much danger from his erstwhile comrades who might not see him when they try to trample the orcs he is grappling.

40:37 Falling off your horse is a badass move from the leading guy and a sign of vulnerability when it happens to his comic sidekick. Probably just a coincidence.

40:44 They are practicing sensible leadership, by having the Queen observe the battle from on high, instead in the thick of it? Wondrous indeed are the powers and wisdom of the Men of Numenor!

40:46 “Go on, you rascal! Have some fun! Kill an orc or two for your indulgent queen!”

40:49 They seriously paid someone to think of this.

41:02 Look Elendil! Your son is about to save your life! Reassessing his worth yet, are you?

41:22 Three different Numenorean soldiers in the midst of losing their individual duels to orcs, felt a momentary surge of hope as Isildur rode into the melee, only for their last sight as orcish blades pierced their vital places, to be the end of Isildur’s horse that most resembled most of the heroes of this show, as he cries "Father!" and ignores all their perils.

41:28 That was not a significant nod of comradeship accepting your thanks for saving your life and acknowledging none are necessary because you would have done the same for him, that is Southlands battle sign language for “could you hand me back up my spear? I’ll probably need it...” This is why you should have foreign recruits train a bit with the regulars.

He probably doesn’t need the spear, he’s got Plot Armor and we’ve had our quota of dramatic endangering, so he’ll be able to ride around with Plot Blades mounted on his horse slaughtering the orc extras, and he can always toss more important foes and twist their necks to death by hand if necessary. Because he's not drawing his sword.

41:36 “You have won my respect, Isil, even though as far as I know, you disobeyed orders and joined the attack without permission and also you didn’t actually save me, and left those men in Cannoli’s headcanon to die.”

41:46 Villain plot armor is REALLY useful when you have a tendency to randomly stare off into space in the middle of a battle.

He’s actually probably trying to draw the camera to his decoy bundle not actually containing the Morgulsaber.

42:05 I would be more impressed by Galadriel’s sidesaddle moves if I were not cursed with the awareness that actual human beings without Elvish reflexes and the physical prowess of one raised in the Light of the Trees, had managed the same thing. Unless Ulysses Grant and Crazy Horse were Calaquendi…

42:12 Canonically, Galadriel was a nickname that she went by, because her husband gave it to her. Her actual name was Artannis. Would it not be cool if we could have had a character named Artannis running around being horrible and then when she actually learns some lessons and is more in character like being worthy of portrayal by Cate Blanchett, an elf she has been flirting with asserts that she’ll be a great leader some day, and he believes in her, and calls her Golden Crown, and she says “I like that name…” and then in Quenya or whatever asks him to say it again, and he says “Galadriel” and it’s a great Duh Duh DUH moment for the normies who have not listened to me bitch and moan for several seasons that this immature harridan is not worthy to share a name with Galadriel.

42:21 “Fucking Elendil can’t simply hand a guy back his spear.”

Joking aside, I like the recognition that a spear IS a better weapon for a cavalryman on a pursuit, so long as he realizes he has to be careful not to let it snag on something by poking out in front of him long before his target is in sight.

42:28 Oh, what if Adar actually does have the Morgulsaber, and tosses it at Halbrand to get away, and they let him, because Mori told them it was more important, and thus the downfall of Halbrand begins.

42:44 Now I am imagining that as the Nazghul are chasing Arwyn to the ford, they are thinking about how a She-Elf hunted one of the Founding AdarsFathers of Moria through a forest on horseback and after millennia they are now getting revenge!

43:27 Halbrand is suddenly ahead of them, coming the other way.
This HAS to be Adar’s plan, since he clearly rode in a circle in order to have the chance to use the saber to corrupt Halbrand. Or Halbrand took shortcuts, because he knows the land and could sense the saber calling to him…

43:30 When your adversary has Villainous Plot Armor and it’s only Episode 6, it is smarter to go for the trip, rather than the kill, no matter how technically more difficult that would actually be.

43:34 No horses were harmed in the making of this episode, although between the pointless sprinting while carrying people wearing metal, trying to clean off orc makeup smearing their chests, this scene, and that business with the apple, their union is probably considering holding out for better wages and some script input.

43:47 Will it be a foot or a spear butt that is planted on the bundle before Adar can reach it? Is the Morgulsaber really in it, or is Adar committed hard to the ruse? We have not seen Old Quising Villager since Adar told him he had a job for him.

43:51 This is a badass show, so it’s Adar’s hand that gets stabbed. Notice the extra fumbling motions with the bundle clearly in his reach while the actor tried to give his colleague time to execute the stab.

44:01 Does Halbrand's line have a double meaning? Is he like “I’m back, asshole, and I have friends now,” or “Don’t blow my cover, we’re playing a longer con because we need to sink that damn island before we can get our own country off the ground.”

Since they are stealing lines from the real world, I like to imagine George Washington saying that one IRL.

44:12 +Little nod+ “Good, this guy understands my meaning better than Elendil did.”

44:49 Adar coming up with a backstory for Galadriel’s consumption like a boss!

Seriously though, I need the headcanon and theory because this is kind of trite otherwise. Adar’s forces are not super impressive, so it makes Face-value Halbrand running off to sea kind of a wuss-move.

45:55 Is it me, or did these three suddenly develop Shire accents?

46:23 What the hell were the Valar telling little baby Elves in Valinor?! When Galadriel was a child, none of the Elves she knew would have witnessed the end result of Morgoth’s abductions.

Although actually, I could totally see Tulkas regaling a group of wide-eyed Elven children with his war stories of what he saw in Utumno, until Yavannah comes up to him and clears her throat, giving him the sort of look that makes Aule keep his comments about Dwarves needing wood sotto voce. Tulkas kind of pauses, aware he’s done something inappropriate, but it’s not like he is of any avail a counselor, so he just trails off awkwardly until Yavanna sends the Elf cubs home and then Orome comes up wondering what is going on, and Yvanna tells him, and he face-palms, and explains a thing to Tulkas and all is well until the next time he forgets and meanwhile a bunch of Elf kids have nightmares, and their moms having to get up in the middle of the night to cope explains a tiny bit more about why so many Noldor listened to Feanor’s tirade against the Valar.

If anyone is wondering, as an uncle, I am totally Tulkas in the real life version of this scenario.

46:43 Their name is Uruk! Orc has been culturally appropriated by their oppressors culture for movie villains!

47:02 That gaze off to the side is Galadriel realizing the impotence of threatening, even implicitly, with that tiny little knife, an immortal being who was tormented by Morgoth himself.

47:19 A threat to torture his subordinates and Adar caves. He’s at least a rather more humane commander than the leaders of the Harfoots. Who have been blessedly absent from this episode, I note.

47:42 To be fair, that is kind of how Sauron would put it.

48:02
Twenty Rings to Order Them All,
Twenty Rings to Unite Them,
Twenty Rings to Heal Them All,
And those Filthy Harfoots can Bite Them

48:17 What was missing? A substance of great strength derived from a Balrog and an Elf double-teaming a Silmaril Tree?

48:59 This does not in the slightest contradict my crack-canon that Halbrand is Sauron. It would explain why he hates Adar, and Adar in turn does not remember what he did to him.

49:48 This “orcs are people too” bullshit gets enough legs from the “why didn’t the Eagles carry the Ring into Mordor” crowd. They are NOT creations of Eru Iluvatar, and the creation of the orcs is, of all the deeds of Morgoth, the most hateful in the eyes of Iluvatar.

50:14 Having Galadriel say the truth makes you want to believe a lie.

50:32 Okay, she’s just being an asshole, now. Adar might be deluded but he’s a victim. There is nothing good to be gained by tormenting him like this. Eradicating the orcs is a mercy killing, not something to revel in.

50:56 Zing!

51:06 Halbrand moves to protect his prime breeding stud.

51:28 Okay, that smile makes me think the bundle is empty and Old Quisling Villager is running through the woods or a tunnel with the actual Morgulsaber.

52:01 I feel like Meredith Brooks would be a good soundtrack choice here… “I’m a bitch, I’m a vengeance-lover…”

52:42 Artannis, honey, this ain’t the Nights Watch or the Legion Etrangere. Some details on what exactly Adar did are kind of called for here. Confession is how you get free of that kind of thing, not keeping it to yourself and constantly obsessing over it as you try to contain it.

53:15 “If I could just hold onto that feeling, keep it with me always...” you could stop being Sauron?

Crack-canon writes itself!

53:41 That looks like maybe they’re think of miscegenating up some peredhel abominations.

53:30 “respectfully requests your presence” not “wishes to see you”. Forget “Save the Cat,” someone should write a book of royal and other anachronistic etiquette for screenwriters.

54:00 Come on, time to heave yourselves to your feet and go set back the regard in which Numenoreans hold the Elves by presenting Miriel with an empty bundle.

54:32 A feast of soldiers’ rations! Am I the ONLY one who remembers this group was down to single wheelbarrow full of food several days ago?

54:51 “No, they are alive because of YOU. I was just honored to help!”

54:58 Again. Someone got paid to actually think this up. But, hey, Bechdel Test accomplished.

55:18 Here’s Halbrand. Meet the New Boss same as the Old Boss.

55:31 It would be so awesome right now if Bronwyn suddenly yelled, “You! That asshole who betrayed our rightful king and stole his necklace! Our sufferings are all your fault!”

55:51 Galadriel: “Ray, when someone asks if you are a god king, you say ‘Yes’!”

She watched “Ghostbusters” while Isildur and Bronwyn were reading LotR.

56:13 Gandalf voice: “There is only one King of the Southlands. And he does not share power….”

56:22 Okay, what is that thing Bronwyn is carrying. At first I thought it was a sling for her wound, but it’s something folded up.

56:51 Mori looks vaguely uneasy about all this, probably remembering the context the return of the king (of the Southlands) was first mentioned on this show.

57:01 Theo needs a pep talk.

57:15 In a Tolkien book “Many might have done the same in your place” would be a commentary on the fallibility of Men and their susceptibility to corruption, not a rationalization for wrongdoing. If a Tolkien character was going to pardon Theo for choosing to save his mother’s life, he would expressly say something about choosing life being an active good, in the vein of “the pity of Bilbo.” Mori’s phrasing suggests that Theo did a bad thing, but it’s no big deal, because relative to everyone else, he’s not that bad.

Maybe modern critics, writers and readers think they can be more compassionate that Tolkien with his hardass black and white morality, but I don’t see how this Harrison Bergeron morality is that.

57:45 Is Mori going to realize the bundle is empty, because Theo feels the loss, even though Mori thinks the Morgulsaber is right next to him? Like, he sensed the bundle under the floor of the tavern, but does not now?

58:12 Or this works, too, I guess. At first glance, it does not even feel un-Tolkieny. Except, of course, they wouldn’t trust the Numenoreans not to fall under the sway of the Morgulsaber. But it’s a plot-convenient way for Theo to symbolically reject the saber.

58:27 Yep, his blood isn’t coming out to play. The bundle is empty.

59:12 Is that unlocking an orcish armory and/or hibernation barracks? The key to activate Barad Dur rising out of the ground? The ignition switch for Orodruin?

59:53 “I’m sensing the river, you apple-wasting asshole!”

1:00:17 Horse calls bullshit

1:00:28 It’s weird that Elendil is having to explain this to a native of Westernesse. Why would a man of Numenor assume their own horses are like foreign horses and not know about the abilities and attributes of the horses of his own land?

1:00:35 “He knows yours!”

1:00:43 Paid. To write this.

1:00:46 “From your mother!”

1:00:49 Do I have Predictably Clichéd Dialog Bingo yet?

1:01:02 But if the horse does it, and, in fact, is doing it now, why does Isildur need Elendil to teach him? And what pain is Berek responding to? Are we ignoring the character issue for bullshit worldbuilding? Something like the horse-sense is worldbuilding that should serve as an excuse to exposit and explore Isildur’s pain, not the other way around.

1:01:23 “You stupid monkeys believe me now? This nimwit rode me for, like, two minutes. We don’t have a bond, because if we DID, he’d have been listening when I warned him about the river!”

1:01:36 It would be funny if Miriel and company were just kind of wondering “Is this some sort of mystery of mainland hydrogeology?” The vaguely quizzical look on her face was more appropriate to that, than to exploding wells.

1:01:46 “You shall not pass, geyser of Udun!”

1:02:07 Just to be pedantic, it’s doubtful that the water pressure under the village is sufficient to break through the ground and stone structures in multiple places, while the tunnel under Adar’s barn is not even full yet.

Also, water would never be used to serve the dark. It’s an element of good in Tolkien, because Ulmo, the Vala of Water is the most compassionate to the Children of Iluvatar, never turning his back on them, even in their exile and banishment. Especially not rivers. That’s why they cleanse Isengard by flooding it. That’s why the places where the Elves flee after losing the Wars of Beleriand are coastal enclaves or islands. It’s why water imagery is used to symbolize the prosperity of a restored kingdom of Eriador: “His wealth is like a fountain/The rivers golden run”. It’s why the Black Riders are defeated temporarily by a river.

1:03:22 A lava bomb went off right by Theo. Plot armor protects against that, too.

1:3:29 “Take shelter” is a rather unhelpful suggestion when two out of three visible buildings are on fire.

1:04:00 Promo shot!

1:04:02 The priorities of the extra (keeping her costume on straight) are not those of a real villager in a volcanic eruption.

1:04:13 They really want us to only notice Galadriel facing down the volcano, and not notice that people are running for shelter in opposite directions in that shot. To her right, a pair are limping away from the camera, and to her left, an old dude is running towards it.

1:04:25 And she emerged from her lava cocoon, less conventionally attractive, but wiser, kinder and more charismatic!

Going back over this one, I clearly had a lot more fun with my crack-canon than the trite stuff the writers were serving up. And though about half my off-the-cuff predictions turned out to be incorrect, I don't exactly give them props, because it's not like they demonstrably did better than my guesses.

But at least we were spared a week of Harfoot horror, Elrond & Celebrimbor's hair gel abuse, or Durin's Totally Real beard and characteristic Dwarven comic bluster (characteristic of male dwarves, females have charmingly irreverent sassiness: they're both stereotypical Supporting Character Celts. Seriously. Watch Braveheart and tell me that Brendan Gleeson, James Cosmo and Tommy Flanagan would not fit in seamlessly in Kazad Dum). And there was a reference to the titular Rings. Sort of. Indirectly.

And at this point, we're so far from the actual lore, that it doesn't feel so much like torturing Tolkien's work, as just a mediocre fantasy plot.

Looking back, it's hard to believe this episode started out with a Clever Ruse to trap the orcs in a sabotaged tower to buy time to prepare for an attack on the village, given how long it felt after the Numenoreans showed up, like we got a whole new episode. And not in a good "So much content in this episode" way but more of a "what is the theme uniting this episode? As an distinct story, what is it about?" They aren't serving characterization, they're just moving along the plot and setting up dramatic reveals.

But it's not like they really have given us reason to hope for otherwise.