Admittedly, "practical parenthesis" is a bit bizarre, and the part between brackets after that needs to go as well. But by pulling the scene out of context like that, it looks worse than it really is, I would imagine, and if one writes literature with a big L and has a certain elegant writing style and all, obviously one has to write the sex scenes in that vein as well, and take some risks with unusual descriptions or images. I think PhotoJim's critique fails to take that into account - of course Lassie isn't written in language like that, but then Lassie isn't Nobel Prize material.

So apart from those two things, I think it's an attempt that isn't without merit - of course it's not very erotic, but then that doesn't seem to be the goal.