What if, instead of dying on a cross, Jesus had become a baker of high quality, organic pies? And what if these pies -- with such flavors as mango rhubarb jalapeño -- quietly organized themselves into small communes on cafe shelves, slowly forming their own economic theory known as Pastrialism? And what if one especially brilliant pie, with a difficult life, spent hours toiling away in London libraries writing a magnum opus known only as "Got Milk?", that slowly took over the world? And what if Jesus, who had never died on the cross (or the spike or the spoke or noosed up on a rope) became a reality television star, and one of his challenges was to eat as many pies as possible?

Wouldn't the universe collapse upon itself?