My girlfriend is constantly accusing me of checking out other girls wherever we go. I can admit that I will look on occasion, but she has taken the slightest glance in the direction of a person vaguely female to mean that not only am I staring at this person, but that I want to go have crazy monkey sex with this random stranger and she's the only thing holding me back from accomplishing this goal.
If a woman happens to walk in front of us -- like on a sidewalk or at the grocery store, etc -- whether or not I look in her direction I'm already accused of leering at this woman. She's so insistent that this is reality that I've taken to trying to show that I'm not staring by trying to look anywhere else. But this has the extra effect of proving to her that I *am* trying to stare at this woman but now I'm pretending not to and lying about it. In reality, I'm trying to avoid conflict by showing that I am not actually ogling a woman but of course she does not see it that way.
If we go shopping somewhere and I stop to look at a display of DVDs or video games, she says I only stopped to check out "that girl over there". It doesn't matter that I know what I'm looking at, I must have been looking at that girl over there because I obviously have zero interest in movies or video games, despite the fact that I have a decent sized DVD and game collection. We've been together for a few years but we've only recently gotten very serious about our relationship and I am starting to think that she is trying to push me away and this is her way of justifying it to herself. She is 100% sure I am constantly lying to her about this and I can't take it anymore. I'm not sure what to do because I do want to be with her, but she makes it incredibly difficult with the constant accusations.
If a woman happens to walk in front of us -- like on a sidewalk or at the grocery store, etc -- whether or not I look in her direction I'm already accused of leering at this woman. She's so insistent that this is reality that I've taken to trying to show that I'm not staring by trying to look anywhere else. But this has the extra effect of proving to her that I *am* trying to stare at this woman but now I'm pretending not to and lying about it. In reality, I'm trying to avoid conflict by showing that I am not actually ogling a woman but of course she does not see it that way.
If we go shopping somewhere and I stop to look at a display of DVDs or video games, she says I only stopped to check out "that girl over there". It doesn't matter that I know what I'm looking at, I must have been looking at that girl over there because I obviously have zero interest in movies or video games, despite the fact that I have a decent sized DVD and game collection. We've been together for a few years but we've only recently gotten very serious about our relationship and I am starting to think that she is trying to push me away and this is her way of justifying it to herself. She is 100% sure I am constantly lying to her about this and I can't take it anymore. I'm not sure what to do because I do want to be with her, but she makes it incredibly difficult with the constant accusations.
Like Amanda, I tend to agree with Nate, and with the people who note that this isn't ultimately about fidelity or trust, but self esteem. It's not a trust issue, as such, because she's doubting herself, not you. She probably doesn't think you're chasing other girls, but that you SHOULD, that you'll ultimately move on when you realize you "can do better", so she's probably expressing the anger and resentment that produces. Unfortunately, when someone's convinced their partner is way too good for them they often start looking for evidence the relationship is going south like they expect, and it can easily become a self fulfilling prophecy if only because of the unrelenting tension. In this case it threatens to develop into a trust issue because she continues to question your commitment despite repeated assurances, which naturally causes YOU anger and resentment.
I suspect you know all this, too, but I'm not sure how much you can do to improve her self esteem. It may require some professional help, but suggesting that isn't likely to make her feel much better about herself. Yet her self esteem is ultimately the problem, the cause of self sabotage and obstacle to her longterm happiness as well as any the two of you might share. Without addressing that you're just beating lumps that will pop up somewhere else in another form. Here's hoping her security in herself improves (for many reasons) so she no longer has the doubts demanding constant (but inevitably inadequate) validation from you, because if anyone but her could provide that validation you'd have long ago done so.
Honorbound and honored to be Bonded to Mahtaliel Sedai
Last First in wotmania Chat
Slightly better than chocolate.
Love still can't be coerced.
Please Don't Eat the Newbies!
LoL. Be well, RAFOlk.
Last First in wotmania Chat
Slightly better than chocolate.
Love still can't be coerced.
Please Don't Eat the Newbies!
LoL. Be well, RAFOlk.
My girlfriend is insane
29/06/2011 03:49:38 PM
- 1402 Views
I doubt she's trying to push you away. She's just that needy and insecure.
29/06/2011 03:57:14 PM
- 549 Views
You are too weak. PUA theory says do the total opposite of what common sense tells you
29/06/2011 06:03:09 PM
- 676 Views
Don't apply pua to a long term relationship...
29/06/2011 06:11:36 PM
- 672 Views
Dump her. Tell her you never were interested in others, but now are due to her constant nagging. *NM*
29/06/2011 06:27:59 PM
- 254 Views
"Baby, you were so insistent when I wasn't doing it that I thought you wanted me too!"
29/06/2011 06:32:48 PM
- 544 Views
That sounds so callous. But it is what I would do. I think that someone could get away with calling
29/06/2011 11:51:43 PM
- 565 Views
When someone complains about a gf/bf, when is it not the consensus that the relationship should end?
30/06/2011 12:13:28 AM
- 534 Views
I am glad you called me on that. I was wrong to jump to jump on the "dump her" bandwagon
30/06/2011 03:46:24 AM
- 675 Views
Does that mean you're getting her a premie?
29/06/2011 09:03:18 PM
- 638 Views
It's just an annoyed rant! Unlikely she's as insane as the consensus in the thread.
29/06/2011 09:11:45 PM
- 658 Views
Ogle her constantly.
29/06/2011 09:21:41 PM
- 647 Views
^ Danny and Vivien potentially have a point.
29/06/2011 11:00:41 PM
- 686 Views
That's right!
30/06/2011 12:04:49 AM
- 597 Views
That's incredibly insecure and needy. Just... just so you know.
30/06/2011 12:10:50 AM
- 516 Views
Having a need isn't the same thing as being needy.
30/06/2011 02:49:12 AM
- 671 Views
Buy sunglasses. *NM*
30/06/2011 12:36:31 AM
- 266 Views
The man with the practical advice out of left field while everyone else is arguing at home base. *NM*
30/06/2011 01:41:12 AM
- 274 Views
Somebody I talked to brought up a valid possibility that I didn't know existed. I was wrong to jump
30/06/2011 03:41:53 AM
- 556 Views
Good point--those things really screw up some women and different ones have different effects *NM*
30/06/2011 01:53:44 PM
- 257 Views
Tell her you're gay so she doesn't need to worry about you seeming to check them out.
30/06/2011 11:30:03 AM
- 586 Views
If you've had the DISCUSSION, and she's still nagging you...I'd find it annoying. *NM*
01/07/2011 05:50:00 AM
- 258 Views