Actually, I don't know if this will interest anybody here, but I was going to do this anyway, so I figured it might possibly be a benefit to someone.

I went into Assassin's Creed II straight from the original, and was surprised at how slow and tedious it was. Ultimately, I just stopped playing because of how boring I found it. I have basically been told by everyone else who has ever played the games that I am completely insane and that the original Assassin's Creed was far worse.

So I've decided to try the game again, but this time I'm going to record my progress. If anybody is curious, I'll be updating this thread. Steam tells me I already have six hours spent on this thing, which I really hope was mostly from reading the histories. But then, it tells me I've got 92 minutes spent on the original, which has to be impossible.

Times are approximations.

Session 1

0:03 - So I'm going to be told in a little bit that I've been recruited because the Assassins lack personnel, and this game is about training Desmond through bleeding effect. So then, what's this business of searching for a compatible memory between Desmond and 'Subject 16' (I'm assuming Ezio is a common ancestor)? And why can't I just keep running Altair? Dude murdered people in a professional capacity and never gave a damn. And as I recall, Altair fought off both Saladin's and Richard's armies in the same battle. You'd think that's exactly the kind of guy these people want to train me as. I suspect nothing.

0:08 - I have to admit I somewhat like Desmond. He's finally learned to move at a decent pace, and he asks the same questions I do. What is the plural of animus? Also, I liked the shot of the Abstergo cubicle maze from the elevator, but I've got to wonder what the point was of making that room several stories tall.

0:09 - Well, thank Adun these security guards didn't have the time to pick up weapons after the alarm sounded, or they would surely have stopped us! I hope there's some convoluted plan behind this where Abstergo actually wants me to escape because they've injected tracers into my bones or something, but it may just be that they needed an excuse to have me mash the attack and block buttons. I suspect nothing.

0:12 - So what happened to her bloodstained shirt? Did she change while she was driving? Last thing we need is for the Assassins to die out because they can't drive safely.

I am not making a female driver joke.

"Trust me!" says Lucy. Of course! Why wouldn't I? I suspect nothing.

Oh, and my immediate thought on realising that there were three people here? "I wonder which one is going to betray us?" In hindsight, that might actually be going overboard, considering that I'm pretty sure I'm being manipulated and that already counts for our betrayal quota, and that I've also raised the suspicion that I have been tampered with by Abstergo and am therefore myself the traitor. Is it possible to be too paranoid for a game about a secret war between Assassins and the Knights Templar with mysterious alien magitech as the prize?

0:14 - I can't read most of the stuff on the billboard, but what I can see includes the names Dante, Marco Polo, and... a list of the Doges of Venice? And is that the heraldry of Venice? Because it reminds me of Venice's flag in the Medieval II and Empire Total War games. This makes me wonder, how did they know ahead of time that I would be using Ezio Auditore's memory? I mean, aside from me suspecting nothing, how did they know that both Desmond and 'Subject 16' would have this same memory? Do they have family trees? Do I get to see them? Is every Assassin a descendant of Altair? If so, that'd make him Adam. And we already have the Apple. So who's Eve?

Oh, and is that a copy of the map Altair saw when he got the Orb last game?

I wandered about the building, but there didn't seem to be anything interesting to get to. Yet.

0:18 - And we're off.

0:23 - So Ezio knocked out a nice 'your sister' diss and I got to punch people. A lot. This was the punching tutorial, right? But then, what was that back at Abstergo labs? Oh and then I punch some more people. Then I start looting their still writhing bodies. I missed the rich guy so I went through the whole lot of them before finally coming up to the one with over a hundred florins in his pockets.

That just reminds me that there's going to be money in this game. And shops. And upgrades. And customisable formalwear. And building a house. Khas damn it. What's with these RPG elements intruding in every game? I play WarCraft III? You've got heroes with abilities and exp and inventory. Shogun II: Total War? Now instead of developing characters based on their lineage or experiences, they get levels. And ability trees. Hell, Heroes of Might and Magic was already heavily RPG based, but now even your weapons have experience levels. If I wanted to play an RPG, I'd be playing Baldur's Gate, not these games. Of course, RPG elements are the easiest way to add padding to a game while giving the player the illusion of more content. That's why you had to grind hearts to buy equipment in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest.

Stupid RPGs.

0:33 - So after all that I read up the background histories that come up in this game for the places you see and people you meet. That's something I really do enjoy quite a bit. And if you don't, well, at least it's optional.

You know what isn't though? This new mission I just got to follow my brother on a short parkour path (as a native french speaker, I always want to write that as a parkour parcours ). They had this kind of mission in the original Assassin's Creed too, you just followed the path marked by Masyaf flags until it took you back to your contact. It wasn't especially thrilling then, but at least it had a point to it. Oh, and it was optional.

Stupid brother. If the mission is to get back home, than give me a mission to get back home. I don't need a tutorial to learn how to use vantage points (or whatever they're called.) In the original Assassin's Creed, your mission was always to kill some guy, and then you could choose to get enough information to plan the murder through a variety of information gathering methods. In this one, you follow along the path you've been given.

Oh, and note that I still don't have any missions to murder people. Still, I'm probably being too hasty, we've only just reached the title sequence. May it never change us.

0:38 - Not going to lie, the fact that the game gives you action commands to undress mademoiselle Vespucci is hilarious. It's probably only difficult if you're playing the PC version though, it seems to me that the colours and diamond formation are intended to resemble a controller's action buttons, whereas I have to remember which key I assigned those buttons too. Probably a good thing they didn't script anything for the input of 'armed hand' instead of 'open hand'. I'm not really into that stuff.

0:39 - Yay, a delivery quest! You have the option to refuse the mission, but that just means you have to come back later, you don't get to progress the plot without doing them. There's not even a time limit. You get a mission to go talk to some guy a few streets over.

0:43 - So I climbed a few more vantage points and read a few more historical factoids. What's that pink stuff I keep jumping into anyway? In the first game it was hay, now it appears to be leaves of some sort. Can't be autumn, can it? I thought Italy would be too close to the equator to go through this kind of seasonal defoliaging? And which tree's leaves turn pink?

0:51 - I actually got spotted by someone while I was coming back from my errand, so I had to run around until I lost them. I really like the improvement on vanishing in this game. At least now the guards search the area you were last seen in. That's nifty.

Oh and I got a mission to beat the crap out of someone! Those were also in the original Assassin's Creed as well! Except this time you don't need to wait until they're in a dark alleyway, you can beat the living hell out of them in public! Oh, and the mission isn't optional this time either. Seriously though, what's the point of this mission? I've already finished the punching tutorial. I'm not sure if it was at Abstergo or on the bridge, but either way, I punched out a lot of people. Is this guy supposed to be a boss or something? Why does the game make me beat him up?

Anyway, after the flag mission and the interrogation mission (and the rooftop run mission? What was that delivery boy mission, anyway?), I'm pretty sure I've gathered enough information that I could try out my assassination. Normally, I'd want to collect a bit more, but for the our first victim, how hard could it be?

I'm just kidding of course. I'm not killing anybody soon.

Sadly.

-0:02 - Just reading the last of my acquired factoids thus far, and I'll call it a night.

Wait, how can it be negative two minutes since I started the game?!?

Silly daylight saving time. I suspected nothing.

Session 2

1:01 - Now I've got a mission to collect feathers on the roofs. This one is timed, so it is a rooftop run mission! I have no idea what the feathers do, and I don't expect to be collecting them.

I used to be quite the completionist when I was younger. I purchased Nintendo Power's guide to Donkey Kong Country because I couldn't find that last secret-in-a-secret bonus stage. I know a way to get the 3-up Moon in Yoshi's Island 1 that doesn't require any backtracking (despite what the wiki says, you don't need the cape). I have a save for Chrono Trigger where all my characters are * level, just so I could fight Spekkio's final form. That was probably the one that broke the habit though. Grinding all those levels was so long and tedious. And so many of these secrets and achievements are just time sinks, there to pad out the game so that people have the illusion that the game has more content. It's not about whatever they give you at the end of this trial that matters, it's whether the task itself is fun. The best example of this is the difference between the Riddler Trophies in Arkham Asylum and the ones in Arkham City.

The flags in the original Assassin's Creed was probably among the worst implementations of this kind of padding I've seen. But at least it didn't unlock any game content, so you could safely ignore them without losing anything. I don't know what the feathers do, but I do know that there are other things to collect later on, and those do unlock game content. Hurrah.

1:04 - Now I've got an escort mission. Well, I call it an escort mission because that's visibly the template used, what with her visible hit point diamonds on the screen, but nobody actually attacks our mother, so it's just a mission to follow a walking woman.

1:08 - Shouldn't we be moving?

Oh, they're following me now. My bad.

1:15 - More delivery quests! But at least we're getting glimmers of a plot. I can run errands for family members in real life, and it would be about as exciting and far more productive, so I'm glad that the game has remembered we're supposed to be waging a secret war against the Knights Templar.

1:20 - Oh no! Our home has been attacked and all the male members of my family have been taken to prison! Okay, the plot is starting now, we can forget about the previous hour and start the action. But first, we must climb a tower to get instructions from our father.

1:25 - Okay, now I've got to go back where I just came from so I can get my gear and finally start assassinating people! We're getting there!

1:29 - Seriously, there are separate missions for 'go back home' and 'get your gear'? Why?

1:30 - Yay, we've finally got our outfit! This may actually have taken more time than getting Link's outfit in Twilight Princess. Don't quote me on that.

Oh, and there were guards waiting for me in case I showed up here again. That makes perfect sense. Except, where were you ten minutes ago? Back when I didn't have a sword?

1:34 - So I've delivered yet another letter, and everything's going to be all right. Unless that black-hooded man in the background was intended to be ominous. Who wears hoods in-doors?

1:38 - I haven't mentioned anything about the treacherous gonfalionere because I've already played this far and so already knew he was a traitor. Otherwise, I surely would never have expected this betrayal . Probably should have kept a copy of that evidence, Giovanni! Ah well, hindsight.

1:40 - Holy shit! While trying to escape the guards I failed to jump onto a bridge and instead fell in the water. Ezio can swim! Now I know why they wanted this guy to teach Desmond instead of Altair.

1:47 - I just got my first riddle from 'Subject 16'. Unlike the feathers, I expect that I will be hunting them down, because they're intriguing and don't appear to be especially tedious to collect. I expect the riddles will get more difficult too, this one wasn't too tough. Well, it's ridiculously easy if you've finished the original Assassin's Creed and know what you're looking for.

1:51 - Apparently, I don't get to assassinate anybody yet because I suck at the job. I don't know if this is supposed to be a reversal of Altair not being allowed to assassinate people at the beginning of the other game because he was too good at the job and grew complacent. Probably just a coincidence.

Thankfully, there's a brothel where I can hone my murdering skills. In a game of Dungeons & Dragons, when you go to a brothel to become a murderer, this is not exactly how events transpire. Not that I have any players who would do that sort of thing.

I've got to give this game credit though, 'master the ways of the courtesans' was not one of the information gathering quests in the first game.

1:58 - I lie, that was technically an escort mission where you don't fight anyone, as we did earlier. And then a mission where you bump into people to make money.

Have I mentioned that I don't like the addition of money into this game?

Oh, hey, our hidden blade doesn't even work. I guess father was lax in his Assassin duties.

That's it for today, but I'm pretty sure I'll finally get to kill someone next time!

Session 3

2:07 - My hidden blade's repaired and I got to murder a random guard. That's satisfying. I like to sneak up on people and stab them. I still want an actual assassination mission, though.

2:13 - And I've got one! All it took to get this far was...

1 flag mission
3 letter delivery missions
1 interrogation mission
1 rooftop run mission
2 escort missions
1 assassination mission

a couple fighting missions, a lot of 'go to this location' missions and a number of tutorials.

I'm so glad we no longer have to go through 2-6 information gathering missions in this game. Because those were tedious.

I could have played through Sonic the Hedgehog in its entirety by now. And it would have been a lot more fun.

2:18 - I've got to say that the blend action is so much better in this game than in the first. You can go at your normal speed, slip from one group to another, and while in the original you could only blend with groups of priests or scholars because they were the only ones dressed like you (minus all the blades) in this one you can blend with anyone, because nobody dresses like you in anyway. Not being sarcastic here, this is really great.

2:23 - Accidentally got a feather while trying to find the secret 'truth' hidden on this building. Did that just say "1/100"? Seriously? I actually had to look up the wiki to make sure that they didn't unlock anything useful. Thankfully, they don't. Okay game, we're good. I don't care about your hats.

2:30 - I had a surprising amount of difficulty stabbing the three guards on the rooftop with the secret marker without one of them spotting me. Evidently I've lost my touch since I last played these games.

2:32 - And it was even easier to decipher than the first one. I mean, how can you possibly get confused by this enigma? Anyway, now we know there's a door on the other side of the pool of water the two naked people were jumping in.

2:35 - I'm back on course and making my way to the building's entrance. There are groups of courtesans nearby and the game seems to be telling me that I should be hiring them. I'm pretty sure I can make it without them.

2:37 - I did. Now I'm inside.

And I just walked straight up to Umberto and stabbed him repeatedly. This was the payoff? After two and a half hours, this is my first assassination? It might as well have been a cutscene.

Thus far I've mostly been complaining about how long it takes to get to the assassinations, but here's this game real flaw, here's why the original Assassin's Creed was so superior to this game: the assassinations are garbage. Maybe they get more interesting further on, but how long am I expected to play this game before I get to anything good?

In Assassin's Creed, the entire game, up to its terribly disappointing climax, is centred around the assassinations. Everything you're doing in a city when not assassinating someone is preparing for that assassination. The first time I played I didn't realise this and pretty much just charged in against my first target because I hadn't figured that the game would actually expect me to think. So I didn't. But all the information you gather during the information gathering missions? It's useful. When preparing the final three assassinations, I gathered all the info I could, surveyed the location where the assassination would take place, planned out my course of action. And I was rewarded with smoothly run assassinations. That game gave you the satisfaction of a plan coming together. The game gave you the information and tools you needed to carry out the mission, then allowed you the freedom to fail or to succeed.

What have I achieved in the last two and a half hours? Character background and motivation? This game switched genres on me. It used to be an action puzzle game, now it's an action RPG. I don't dislike RPGs - I've played quite a few and enjoyed them, but when I start an RPG I know what to expect. But I was expecting more murders to plan. I was expecting this game to ask me to give it a little thought. What I got was more than disappointing, half-arsing this assassination would have been an improvement. I walked into the building without blending - accidentally, I thought I was in a group, but was actually between two separate groups - and just passed the guards at the door without even attracting their attention. From there I walked straight up to Umberto, normal speed, no concealment of any kind, and he just shouted "You!" and stood there, paralyzed. I don't know how you can fail this assassination without deliberately trying to. And yeah, it's the first assassination in the game, but it's still two and a half hours in.

What's worse is that the assassinations was the only thing that really stood out about the original Assassin's Creed. The stealth was more fun in Arkham City. The fighting was more fun in Arkham City. Traveling across cities from above was more fun in Arkham City. Finding secrets was more fun in Arkham City. And you know what else Arkham City let me do? Fight the Penguin before the credits had even finished rolling. Basically, why am I playing this game when I could be replaying Arkham City?

2:43 - Gotta love how to decrease my notoriety I can kill "corrupt" officials who are bearing "false witness" against me. I'm pretty sure I just murdered a high ranking official of the city in the middle of a high society gathering, I have no idea why they'd need to make up facts about me to spread to the populace. I think "This guy just murdered someone in cold blood, no one is safe, if seen report him immediately" would work just fine.

2:45 - Last time I played this game I tore off a sign and bribed a crier, so this time I decided to go after one of these "corrupt" officials. I used to be a notorious assassin, but after cold-bloodedly murdering this guy in the middle of a public place, I am now incognito. They suspect nothing.

2:48 - We've got a new escort mission in preparation for our next victim. Is it just spite talking or was this one really long?

2:55 - Wow, I don't remember those bards from the first time I played. Maybe it's because back then I actually remembered my controls and knew how to throw money around, which I evidently no longer do, but these guys are hilarious. The City should fire its guards and replace them with the bards, 'cause these guys can recognise me instantly. Is there a way to reduce my notoriety with them? .

Actually, they remind me of the pushy beggars from the first game, but now they're loudly singing about how you're a criminal. Gave me quite a fright they did.

And that's it for now. Anyway, now that we've gone through our first practice assassination, finished our tutorials and established Ezio's background, it's only going to get better from here on out. Right?

Hint: The first time I played, I quit after the second assassination.

Session 4

3:05 - I've reached the Villa, where I will learn of all sorts of things I can collect but don't really want to.

3:08 - Shopping spree!

3:14 - So not only does Mario give me money so that I can complete this Shopping Mission, but I also get money as a reward for completing the mission. Heh. Not every mission needs a monetary reward, guys.

3:15 - Found another one of subject 16's glyphs. Also an easy one, but this time it reveals... scaffolding? I'm not sure. Are these videos out of order?

3:19 - Combat tutorial! Over three hours into the game. Aside from the taunts, I was already using these moves too.

3:23 - Wait, so Ezio isn't motivated to get revenge on the Pazzi? I thought that was the whole point of spending all this time doing quests for our family only to have them immediately killed!

3:25 - Holy crap guys, I've already got another assassination target! And all I had to go through was a notoriety tutorial, an escort mission, a battle mission, a shopping tutorial and a combat tutorial! I may have been wrong about this game, things are definitely speeding up!

3:26 - Huh, found a Minerva statuette while heading to the goal. I'd actually forgotten about these, are they all this easy to find? Might be worth actually looking around.

3:40 - Okay, so I found four statuettes, and at first I thought I'd have one for every pedestal and the second one would be somewhere else in Italy, but no, I've actually found both the Jupiter and Minerva statuettes (along with Apollo and Venus) so I have to imagine that they're all strewn about Monterigionni. And with these two statuettes, I've discovered....

...2 000 florins. Well, no need to go looking for the others then. Back to murder someone I go!

Oh, I also picked up two more feathers while looking for the statuettes. It was an accident, I swear.

3:44 - An escort mission to follow Mario up a hill. Why couldn't he have already been up there? I mean, I had to ride to San I don't remember the town's name by heart to find him anyway, was it really necessary to give me a mission to escort him up a mild incline?

3:46 - An Archer mission! Excellent, these were probably my favourite information gathering missions. And I get throwing knives just to make it easier.

3:48 - And now we've got a bunch of big fights coming up. I love when we have big fights instead of stealth. That's why I loved the ending to Assassin's Creed far more than any of the actual assassinations. This game, I swear...

You know, the town looks pretty unfazed by the large fights between the guard and armed invaders happening in the streets. Renaissance Italians were apparently more blasé than I ever imagined.

3:55 - Okay, I've finally got the go-ahead to kill Vierri! But first, I just spotted a vantage point!

3:58 - And one of subject 16's secret codes! This one was a bit harder, if only because I'm not entirely sure what I was looking for in one of those pictures. I mean, it's impossible to actually fail the enigma, so whatever, but still. Giving credit where it is due. And yes, these videos are definitely out of order. Doesn't seem to be a way to change their order either.

Why is that fountain glowing brighter than the sun when I look at it with eagle vision? I don't appear to be able to interact with it...

4:03 - And here's another hidden 'truth'! Huh. A sword and a staff now? That's new. And that's definitely the door from #2 opening. Can these be put into order?

And I got another feather. How do I keep stumbling into these? I swear I never got a single one the first time I played.

4:10 - I also found a page of the codex, though this was intentional. I don't really want to go after them, but they give useful upgrades, I think.

Hey look, it's the return of the mysterious black-hooded man! And this time he's with his co-conspirators!

I'd love to speculate about whatever it is they're conspiring to do, but aside from being behind the death of - the Duke of Milan, was it? - before the game started, I have no clue as to what they're doing. I imagine it has something to do with the mysterious alien magitech sphere. Or maybe there's an alien magitech sword or staff in this game, how would I know?

4:15 - And Vierri's dead now. I assassinated him. And by 'assassinated' I mean 'swung a sword until he and his guards were dead'. Seriously, the assassinations in this game are so ridiculously boring. This is where I gave up last time. I figured that even if the game did eventually get fun, it wasn't worth the drudge.

And instead of 2-6 information gathering missions, this time I had to go through:

2 escort missions
1 archers mission
3 fighting missions

And a notoriety tutorial, a shopping tutorial and a combat tutorial.

Well, it was definitely less tedious than the first one, I have to admit that. If this keeps up, then we will eventually get to a point where there are less obligatory information gathering-style missions in Assassin's Creed II than there were optional information gathering missions in the original Assassin's Creed.

But it is not this day.

Session 5

4:20 - I just finished killing a dude and I've already got my next target. This had me hopeful for a moment. I suspected nothing.

Also, now Ezio is all about getting revenge and finishing his father's work, though I don't quite recall what persuaded him. As far as I recall, he was going to leave for Spain, then heard that Mario had been suffering Pazzi harassment because of him and decided to help him out. I'm not sure when we decided to take over the Assassin gig.

And if we're completing our father's work, why was the hidden blade broken when we got it?

Hey, I just realised that it's been over four hours and two assassinations since we've seen Desmond. Not that I'm complaining, since this game is drawn out enough as it is, but that may force me to revise the number of betrayals that are going to occur in that storyline.

4:22 - I just got a mission to read the letter Mario gave me at the end of the last mission. I already read that! And it doesn't provide any important information, whether game- or story-related!

Does this game really believe I need to be held by the hand every bloody step of the way? I guess that would make sense given the backlash against the freedom and expectation of planning behind the first game, now they've decided their target audience is made out of goldfish. Adun have mercy.

4:23 - Hurrah, now I've got a mission to find codex pages. And these I pretty much have to find since they're the source of hit points and assassination techniques. I cannot contain my joy.

4:25 - Now the game wants me to climb the villa's bloody viewpoint! I climbed that the first moment I had an opportunity over an hour ago! I don't need a viewpoint tutorial, I already had that with the flag mission we got back at the very beginning of the game! Remember, when we had to follow our brother up a tower and we got the sweeping shot of Florence with the whole 'Ubisoft presents Assassin's Creed II'? You're taking this 'let it never change us' thing far too literally, I don't need constant tutorials for things I already know how to do and have been doing for hours!

4:35 - Found the Codex pages. Also found two more statuettes. Also found a mysterious door that won't unlock unless I do something through UPlay. This game has so many hidden secrets it's given me no desire to uncover.

4:40 - Now I get to upgrade this town. I've got nothing else to really spend this money on, so why not. Besides, I want to check out those mines. You always have to check caves for loot. Same probably applies to the well, but I spent all my money before getting to that one.

Also, checking the ledgers revealed that there are portraits of my targets in this Villa. I have to remember to check those out next time I come by.

4:48 - There's this secret room beneath the Villa where Altair's armour is hidden. I won't ask why ancient armour would be superior to modern armour, since it probably has to do with alien magitech, nor will I ask why they don't just dig through the stone around the gate, because there's probably ancient Assassin traps or whatnot and I don't really need to justify such obvious gameplay elements anyway, but I do have to ask why there are tombs under great Italian cities for all these Asian Assassins.

Eh, there might actually be a reason for this, so I'm going to give the game the benefit of the doubt.

Oh, and the game is kind enough to tell me that I must get that armour, so hurrah for more item collecting. This game is more padding than content.

4:57 - So I visited the mines and I was correct, there is loot in there! Sadly it was only around five hundred florins, so it would likely have been more efficient to have searched for statuettes. If I were interested in getting money in the first place.

5:00 - I have returned to Florence and...

... you know, I just realised that this game is really drab. There are people dressed in red who should be really standing out (I mean, I can guarantee that was the reason they chose to dress in red), but somehow, they fade into the same pale brownish theme that everything else does. There's no colour anywhere. Is this what Italy looks like? Or is this one of those "realistic" palettes the likes of which I've never seen in actual reality?

And perhaps my aesthetic dislike for this game is a minor point, but at least it gave me something to think about, distracting me from the unrelenting tedium of this game. Look back to the beginning of this session and tell me what happened during the last forty minutes.

Forty minutes. Forty minutes of absolutely nothing of any worth happening. I didn't even get anything story-related either, just the name of my next target.

This is not just a worse Assassin's Creed game, it hardly even qualifies as a game! It's merely a series of cutscenes strung together with menial chores! At only one point during the last five hours of gameplay was I required to give this game even the barest thought, and that was when I was trying to get past the three sentries on the chapel roof when I was looking for my second glyph. And I say the barest thought because this was a task of such extreme simplicity, that had the game not conditioned me to utter mindlessness it would not have even been worth mentioning. As it is, I did have to retry it twice before I deigned to actually pay attention.

Incidentally, the solution to that most difficult problem the game has posed me thus far was to take a step backward after killing each guard before moving on to the next.

Session 6

Since people are apparently reading these, I decided to update the title to let people know when I've done anything new.

5:00 - Heh, the game loads me right in front of Leonardo's workshop. Or maybe that's where I spawned at the end of last session too, but it was funny to me.

Also, I'm getting new assassination techniques. These are pretty basic, but it makes me hopeful. They wouldn't give you assassination techniques if they didn't expect you to actually assassinate someone, would they?

5:05 - Is that Cyprus? I know something of Cyprus' history with the Crusades, and I believe it later became a property of Venice, though it's been a while since I read Othello.

Then again, given this games love of conspiracy theories, it might be Atlantis.

5:09 - Is that woman the Templar who pretended to be Robert de Sable during the last mission of Assassin's Creed? I mean, I've got really nothing to go on aside from her being the only female Templar we've seen and me wondering what happened to her.

Also, writing 'female Templar' - which looks fairly similar to 'fanatic Templar' - now makes it impossible for me not to think of this game as being part of the Nerazim's struggles to evade the wrath of the Conclave and their Templar enforcers.

Actually, that spherical, golden orb with interlocking parts they call 'the Apple'... that very much looks like it could be Protoss tech.

Okay, okay, I'll save it for the fanfiction. Maybe.

5:11 - The Fox? I get the feeling I should be connecting this to something, but I can't quite place it.

5:16 - That thief actually gave me some trouble. The instructions are unclear - the game tells you to tackle him with the open hand action, and the open hand action is indeed 'tackle', so I thought I had to run him into a wall or something. But no, you actually just have to tap the button when you're in range. Could've ended this much sooner. Still, no harm done.

5:20 - I suddenly realised those were mounds of hay again, instead of the pink - leaves? - we had last time. I guess it must indeed be seasonal then.

5:27 - I found the thief before I found the secret glyphs, so I had to double back to get it. This one actually required a little thought. This is good. There are still quite a few to get, so they might still be quite complex eventually.

Wait, so the Mark of Cain is the croix pattée? Cain was the first Templar? Doesn't al Mualim's story from last game indicate that those ten were the origin of the secret Templar order? Not that I necessarily believe al Mualim, but it did seem likely that the game was intended to display the origin of the Templar and Assassins, since the Assassins clearly descend from Altair's teachings.

Also, Templar are clearly Camarilla Vampires. Ancient Protoss Vampire Knights.

I think I may finally understand why people like this game .

5:35 - Okay, so this really is a rooftop race mission.

So why is the Fox helping us anyway? How does he know so much about me and my plans? How come he's hooded and runs across the rooftops faster than Ezio?

His background and one of the pages in the Codex seem to hint at an answer, but... no, they wouldn't, would they?

I mean, I know they did in Age of Empires III but that was about the Knights Hospitaller and a secret Illuminati order called the Circle of Ossus and their attempts to seize a mystical source of power... I'm just digging a hole for myself now.

5:37 - There's an Assassin flame framing that skull. How fortunate, that's at least one Assassin tomb I can complete while actually playing the main quest.

5:40 - Hey, it's a dungeon! I wasn't expecting something like this in a game purportedly about stealth and assassinations, but hey, at least it's a game.

5:50 - So three guards just entered the room, with a fourth one threatening to run to the other guardpost if he hears anything. I got the first guard fairly easily, but the other two just keep circling the pool in the middle of the room. Always staying within eyesight of the other. Clearly these guards are far too smart for this game. Now I'll feel bad about killing them.

5:55 - I waited five minutes for an opening, but the guards never gave me one. Eventually my patience ran out and I just ran out and fought them. Thankfully, despite his earlier warnings, the fourth guard did not run off as promised. Apparently he gifted all his intelligence to the other two guards. What a waste.

Also, I guess it was a scripted event? Can you actually avoid the chase if you can murder the other guards stealthily?

Oh, and I also failed the chase. I'm somewhat embarrassed, obviously this is what the thiefcatching mission earlier was a tutorial for. Still, the game prevented me from using my throwing knives, which is total bullshit.

Thankfully, the room full of guards was easy to dispatch, but I prefer to play my stealth games stealthily, which some of you may have noticed is a recurring complaint I have with this game. But I guess I can't blame the game because I failed to catch up to the guard in time.

6:02 - So the conspiracy has the backing of the Pope? Holy shit, we're actually getting plot! I mean, I still have no idea what's going on, but at least they've started giving hints.

Also, whoever made the 'conspiracy' map clearly didn't give a damn. According to that map, the only thing relating Vierri de'Pazzi with his father is their mutual association with Rodrigo Borgia. Hilarious.

But that's it for tonight. For the first time in hours, the game provided something entertaining, which may account for my better mood while writing this. I still want assassinations in my assassination game though.

Session 7

6:05 - Okay, so there are pink leaves here again. I guess it depends on district?

6:09 - Escort mission.

6:11 - So i tried to run after Francesco de'Pazzi to finish him and I desynched. Stay on the railroad tracks, friends.

6:20 - Now I get the mission to murder Francesco.

6:25 - And the moment I get in position to start the mission, I am instantly spotted.

6:31 - So this 'assassination' is basically cutscene - climb - fight - cutscene - chase - cutscene. I am never going to get any actual assassinations in this, am I?

Anyway, I might as well complete all the sidequests in Florence I actually intend to complete (tombs and codex pages, basically) before I leave.

6:40 - Alright, it's time for the second tomb. I've got to say that while these are basically the same concept as flag missions, the level design makes them far superior. On the other hand, flag missions took only a few minutes.

6:45 - They give you ladders periodically so you can just climb back to where you were? Weak.

6:50 - I saw something shiny and stupidly went off to get it. It was just a feather, and now I don't know how to get back where I was.

And I'm not using those ladders. I have my pride. Time to reload the memory.

And apparently you can't skip cutscenes. I should have expected that.

6:58 - Got it.

7:00 - Heh, there's a red cross painted on Lorenzo de Medici's door. That's just not as ominous as it should be .

7:05 - The moment I enter this room I'm instantly spotted. Of course, that means the guards come at me by trying to jump from ledge to ledge. How unwise.

7:12 - Great, so while I was trying to cross this room by jumping from chandelier to chandelier, the guard in the next room spots me, jumps on the chandelier and we both fall to the floor. Smart move, guy. Now one of us is dead and the other had one hit point remaining.

7:20 - You know, I think this game likes fighting and platforming more than it likes assassinating. Seriously, these guys are all standing there, staring straight at the door, and there doesn't appear to be any way for me to climb back up to the passage I used to get in. Guess I have to fight them.

And I just picked something up from the Templar marked chest, and I have no idea what it is. All I know is that it fits in Ezio's pocket.

Session 8

7:20 - So now I'm going to look around Florence to pick up all vantage points, codex pages and conspiracy theories.

8:40 - Well, I hope that was as exciting for you as it was for me. I'm still somehow missing two landmarks for Florence, hopefully they're in the southern area I can't reach yet.

And yes, that makes it basically two hours since I was last on this game's plot. Do keep in mind I'm not actually doing any of the actual optional missions (nor the feathers, obviously).

Session 9

8:50 - I found the last of the statuettes in Monterigionni. I wasn't actually searching for them, I simply activated eagle vision every time I was in town and used different routes when I have to cross it, and I ended up finding them all.

8:52 - I spent all of my accumulated money fixing more stuff in the town, and went off to explore them. I'm glad I did. As expected the well held some meaningless chests in it, but what I hadn't expected was that the well lead to a series of caves that reached to the ancient foundations of stately Auditore manor.

I am henceforth going to pretend that Ezio is Italian Renaissance Batman, or RenBat. Although that's just reminding me that I'd rather be playing Arkham City.

9:05 - Ah, so the codex pages form a map of the world? I don't quite remember the map Altair saw at the end of the first game (or the one tech guy Assassin - I don't remember his name, I haven't seen him in nearly nine hours of game time, more of real time - had on his Wall of Connections) but I assume they're the same thing, and those marks are the same locations?

9:10 - I finally found the portraits of my victims. I'd not noticed the path to Ezio's room when I was last here.

9:20 - Now that I'm back in... that town in Tuscany, I've found another fragment of subject 16's memory. It's the JFK assassination one! They're really going for all the conspiracy theories, aren't they?

Wait, I hope that doesn't mean that the aliens are actually involved in the story? Please let this only be about alien artefacts/legacy, not actual aliens micromanaging human history...

9:25 - Merciful Tassadar, you guys aren't going to believe this, but nine and a half hours into this game, I just got an actual, legitimate assassination mission. I mean, I don't get any information to plan my attack, but still. An actual assassination mission!

And I completely owned it, too. Nobody saw me come in, and then suddenly that monk is dead and I'm disappearing over the horizon. I mean, it wasn't a very difficult assassination, but I'm not going to lie, I'd given up hope on ever doing one of these, so I'm pretty happy right now.

Actually, that reminds me, what happened to the actual Creed? Not murdering innocents, hiding in plain sight, not compromising the order? Seems like Ezio is pretty happy violating those all over the place.

9:30 - I was unexpectedly optimistic after that last mission, so what happens when I meet my second contact? It's another mission where I have to let a bunch of hired goons into the walled courtyard. And Ezio has the gall to say that he will enjoy this "change of pace from the usual sneaking and stabbing". Are you mocking me, Ezio? Are you taunting me, game?

Stupid bloody game.

9:55 - Ah-ha! So they're not going for a faked moon landing! It was a real moon landing, only they went there to grab a piece of Eden.

10:08 - This murder is another chase mission where I run after someone to stab him in the middle of the city, as with Francesco earlier.

10:15 - Ransacking another Assassin's tomb. No idea why it is so heavily guarded.

Incidentally, with such an evident focus on platforming and swordfighting, I think I just figured out what this game was a sequel of. It's like Prince of Persia, not like Assassin's Creed. Except Prince of Persia was much harder. And had a two hour time limit. How far into this game was I after two hours? Oh yes, I'd just repaired my fundamental weapon, finished way too many tutorials, and was (naively) looking forward to my first assassination mission.

Note to self: After I'm done playing Arkham City again, replay Prince of Persia.

10:30 - Got another one of Subject 16's memories. You know, it would be an amusing twist if Subject 16 were actually legitimately insane and he's been spewing nonsense at us this whole time. Well, I'd laugh, anyway.

10:45 - So I threw the last conspirator off the tallest tower in town and now I've got to follow Jacopo as he slowly makes his way out of town. This is like those missions in Assassin's Creed where you had to follow some guy into a secluded alleyway to beat the crap out of them. Or pick a letter from their pocket. Except this time I have to follow him across the entire town. And then outside it.

10:55 - So the Templar caught me in their trap, and I had to use all my wits and tools to escape them! Just kidding, I just hacked at their guards until they were all dead. And then I finished Jacopo.

As usual, here's the mission tally to get to this target:

- 1 assassination mission
- 2 fighting missions
- 1 chase in the streets mission
- 1 archers/climbing mission
- 1 tailing mission

Also, our 'assassination' this time was walking up to a dying man and putting him out of his misery. I didn't think we were going to beat Uberto's 'walk up and stab him' death, but seriously. This game doesn't even care.

Ditch the name "Assassin's Creed" since you clearly don't care about the "Assassin" part, and rename it "Renaissance Batman against the Vampire Protoss".

I guess they couldn't get the copyrights for those.

Session 10

11:00 - The loading screen informs me that the guards' shift changes at dusk and dawn. This game has a time mechanic? I thought time of day just suddenly changed without reason - I've never noticed it change unless I've done something like pick up a codex page, I just look up eventually and find that the sky is a different colour.

Also, I've now dumped enough money into Monterigionni that it's starting to look pretty good. Though I've got to wonder about those Assassin flags waving from every tower. Isn't this clearly violating the third tenet of the Creed? Though, Ezio doesn't really seem to care all that much.

11:03 - Also, I got a cape as a gift from Lorenzo that is completely useless outside of the areas I have just cleared.

11:13 - I'm making the trip by carriage, which either means this is going to be an excuse for more cutscene talk between Ezio and Leonardo, or I'm about to be attacked.

11:14 - Attacked it is.

11:35 - Apparently I'm only passing through Forli on my way to Venice, but I'm going to go ahead and clear out the vantage points and codexes and the Assassin's tomb immediately. I'm pretty sure we'll be back though - that flooded area looks too interesting not to be part of some mission later.

11:50 - The glyph on the Venetian outpost took me forever to find. I didn't even know that tower was part of the location!

12:40 - Not only can Ezio swim, he can swim underwater! Seriously, he's much better than Altair in this regard.

Oh yeah, I'm in the tomb now. And the camera is seriously annoying. I'm playing this on my computer, I want to be able to control my direction with the mouse and the forward arrow!

13:00 - Holy crap, we're back to Desmond! I wasn't expecting this anymore!

And I'm hallucinating past lives. Fantastic. Insanity makes everything better.

Wait, those aren't Italians, those are actual armoured Templar Knights. Is Altair's memory also bleeding into Desmond?

13:15 - Yup. Templar lady is indeed Altair's lover and the woman who pretended to be Robert de Sable in the first game, which is pretty much what I expected after seeing a portrait of her drawn in Altair's codex. I don't think it was really necessary to have Desmond have memory bleed of the fertilised egg inside her to drive across the point that she is the mother of this Assassin line. Creepy game.

13:45 - So, is this game suggesting that the Assassins are Nephalem? Again, I'm a bit confused. Many elements of this game imply that the Templar and Assassins existed long before the Third Crusade (not only Subject 16's rambling, but there are tombs for Assassins that predate al Mualim) but the first game really felt like the origins of the conflict. Is this a retcon, or is this supposed to be a mystery?

Also, you may have noted that I'm not commenting much on the revelations of Subject 16. Frankly, I don't see much there to mention. It's basically claiming that all sorts of events and people from history are connected to the Assassin/Templar/Pieces of Eden and that ceased being interesting a while back. I've played White Wolf settings, this isn't novel to me.

One interesting thing, however, is that unless I've forgotten them, none of the people mentioned were philosophers. The closest I recall is the one reference to American civil rights and universal vote.

13:50 - I'm making my way through another Templar lair, but I still have no idea what these are supposed to be or why I'm searching for them. Nor what the treasure I steal from them is.

13:58 - Gotta love how nobody gives a second glance to the hooded man climbing out of the sewers in the middle of the streets.

13:05 - Okay, so this viewpoint is definitely vexing me. I have no idea how to get up there, nor is there anything nearby I could jump from. Maybe I'm missing an upgrade or something.

13:25 - This may well be the most annoying damsel in distress I've had to carry around since Princess Ruto in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

13:35 - Fantastic, now I've got to run errands for the Thieves' Guild. I have no idea how people can tell me that this game is superior to the original Assassin's Creed because they dispensed with the information gathering missions. They just made it more linear, you gullible saps.

Speaking of which, someone needs to remind me to explain why Ocarina of Time was the cause of the decline of The Legend of Zelda. You know, since I'm already taking a stand against the raging storm of massive fandoms.

13:38 - I think the traitor I was supposed to kill just drowned himself. I was swimming toward their boat, got spotted, someone jumped into the water, and now I'm down a target.

I'm not saying this game is ridiculously easy, but between my last assassination target being a dying man I had to put out of his misery and this guy committing suicide, they're not really tasking my abilities.

I lied, I am saying that this game is ridiculously easy.

13:45 - How do I know the names of all these people? I don't remember them telling me, I only know them because they were above the blue diamonds for the escort missions. Can Ezio see that? Does Ezio's eagle vision allow him to breach the fourth wall?

Anyway, I'll come back to this later, I'm far too bored right now.

Session 12

13:45 - Again with the escort missions. I've got to break into guarded courtyards and free prisoners, then escort them back to where I started. Three times.

14:00 - Whoops. Apparently Ezio's the only person who can swim - two of the four thieves I was escorting just died by jumping into the water to follow me. Thankfully, I only need one, but that wasn't strictly necessary. You could've told me you couldn't swim guys, I'd've found another way.

14:04 - Now I have to loot three chests full of clothes. Said chests of Venetian guard uniforms happen to just be lying in the streets, guarded by four men. And I mean that four men are literally just standing above them, there's no way for me to steal those without getting spotted.

14:25 - Ah-ha, a new climbing technique! I knew I'd be getting one of these, though I was expecting a codex page.

14:30 - And that tower I couldn't climb earlier without this technique is precisely the one I have to climb now as part of this mission. So that's one thing done.

Session 13

14:33 - Hey, now I have a mission to silently kill archers! I thought this one would be interesting until I screwed up and allowed the last one to spot me before I killed him. I expected that this would force me to try again, but no, I still got to kill him. Maybe the mission only fails if the yellow arrow has time to turn red. Or maybe that 'silent killing' thing was only for theory.

14:42 - All right, it's my next assassination mission! I may be too generous in my recap here because it's been a while since we assisted Jacopo, but as I recall the not-information gathering missions we did to get here were:

- 1 visit to Lorenzo to get a cape (I wouldn't normally mention this, but this was the only reason we went back to Florence)
- 1 carriage ride minigame
- 1 rowing a boat to a woman on an island and back again
- 1 guided tour of Venice
- 1 escort mission where you had to carry the woman you were escorting.
- 1 boat-escort mission
- 3 (or 1 if you're feeling more generous than I am) assassination missions that require no stealth
- 3 (or 1) prisoner liberation and escort missions
- 3 (or 1) kill some guards and loot the chest they were guarding missions
- 1 viewpoint climbing mission (and also a tutorial)
- 1 Archer mission.

If you've forgotten why I'm listing these, it's because people have told me that Assassin's Creed II is superior to Assassin's Creed because it doesn't require you to do the 2-6 information gathering missions before you get to your target. Even if you take out the minigame, the tutorial, the not-really-missions events I listed and only count the assassinations, break-outs and chest-robbings once each, that still comes down to seven missions.

But to be fair, this assassination was actually pretty fun. Even if I didn't quite manage a perfect kill - I overestimated the length of wall I could still grab on to when climbing down behind my target - at least there was the impression that you had to do something to achieve your objective.

14:47 - Wait, so now I get paid for killing people? I didn't realise I was playing that kind of assassin.

And suddenly my PC decides that its rebooting. I thought I was the one making that decision in this relationship. Gotta hope the game had time to save.

Session 14

15:10 - Another tailing mission, where we get the opportunity to learn of the Venetian conspiracy. I did like how they were all bickering over position before Borgia arrived. Is Rodrigo Borgia the Grand Master of the Order?

But I just realised something. Back when I was first taught the new blending mechanic for this game, I thought it was a huge improvement. But I almost never need to use it. I mention it now because I actually did have to use it in this mission, and it came as a shock to me.

Session 14 - Again

15:15 - The game just decided to crash on me. Well.

Some of the truth puzzles have images with hidden coded text on it. It's simply a shunted alphabet, and the key is hidden in the image, so it isn't actually hard to figure it out, but thus far there don't seem to be any narratives developing in this thing, just historical events and characters and them being connected to the Templar and the Pieces of Eden, so I never bothered to decode them.

I decided to do one (the bunker) and it gave me this: THE DOUBLE WAS KILLED IN THE BUNKER. Fantastic. Because the letter we just read - which was not coded - already told us this, and more. As you might guess, I'm probably not going to be decoding any future codes.

15:30 - I almost died executing a leap of faith . The falling arc took me too far, Ezio's model was about to hit the pavement, but thankfully the game still knew to shunt me over to the haypile.

15:35 - Ha, ha, ha! There's a pickpocket on the roof of the basilica! The excessively heavily guarded basilica in a restricted area that is almost certainly part of some future mission. That's pretty hilarious. Anyway, I'm here for the next Assassin tomb.

15:44 - Khas be damned, but I really hate how they force the camera away from me to show me my next jump. There are only four arrow keys, I can't really control my direction that well. Especially given that holding the space bar to run means I can't hold two arrow keys at once.

16:03 - The truth puzzles are getting much harder to decipher. The last one was about the number of angles in the figures (o was zero, > was one, and so forth) and while it didn't take me long to figure out this time, it's only because I'd already seen this pattern used. This one, however, I'm not getting at all.

16:05 - Oh, good, they're giving hints! I got it now. In hindsight the numerical pattern is pretty obvious, but because they didn't give out the symbols in regular intervals, I didn't make the connection at all. I've got to keep this pattern in mind for future use though. I have to admit I'm looking forward to the two or three remaining truth puzzles now.

16:20 - Another escort mission. We're trying to scout out a way to get to the top of the basilica - but I already know how to get there! I was just up there for the Assassin's tomb!

16:25 - Oh, and they're making me climb a viewpoint I've already climbed. Again.

16:30 - Leonardo's flying machine. I've got nothing to say, really. I'm not sure the hot air from a bonfire would really compensate for Ezio's weight, but it's a game, so who cares.

Next time, I kill more guards!

Session 15

16:35 - Assassinating guards from a ledge over water is the greatest thing. The corpse disappears, so it attracts no attention.

16:45 - Seriously? I was running through a street and the guards just spawned right on top of me. So of course I ran into them, and one of them decided to try to pick a fight. And for once I accepted. That'll teach you not to exist until I'm right on top of you.

Incidentally, killing those guards in the middle of the street did not increase my notoriety at all, while accepting the guards' taunts usually does. This game makes no sense to me.

16:59 - Took me three runs to actually get the hang of flying. I keep pressing up to go up .

Okay, time for another assassination, so here's the recap:

1 tailing mission
1 escort mission
1 climbing mission
1 flying minigame.

This one was quick.

17:05 - The doge is dead, and his last words were 'you killed me'. Not helping out there, guy.

17:07 - A hidden pistol? That sounds like it would be very noisy. I'll probably have to use it for my next assassination, but I don't foresee using it much of my own volition.

17:25 - I'm in the last Assassin's tomb! That's one subquest I can almost put behind me.

17:29 - Oh good, it's another one of these "pursuit" missions that you can't actually accomplish.

17:40 - I've got the armour of Altaïr, and nothing happened. The game assured me that I needed to get these, I hope it wasn't just messing with me.

17:55 - Another escort mission where an NPC just talks to me.

18:10 - There are four contests I need to win - I need to go around town pickpocketing women, I need to win a rooftop race, I need to follow a path of markers - essentially a flag mission from Assassin's Creed except that the markers only spawn one by one so you've pretty much got to guess what direction you're going - and a brawl where the Templar cheat and send armed people after me.

And after all that they still just give the prize to someone else. Heh.

18:25 - Hey, for once a mission where the pickpocketing mechanic isn't just shoehorned in! I have to steal Dante's golden mask without him noticing. Nice.

Actually, I used to hate these pickpocketing missions in Assassin's Creed, but this game has lowered my standards.

18:29 - Is it just me or is nobody actually wearing a golden mask at this party where you have to wear a golden mask? Maybe I'm just not looking at them from the right angle.

18:30 - I was hiding from the guards in a haystack, then they pull me out so that Sister Theodore can tell me to shoot the guy I'm trying to assassinate, and the guards spot me while she's talking.

What the hell, game? This is a clear violation of story/gameplay separation. If you get to attack me during NPC interaction, you don't get to pull me out of hiding for said NPC interaction! Consistency!

Oh yes, mission count:

1 pistol tutorial.
1 chase mission.
1 escort mission.
2 pickpocket missions.
3 (or 1) rooftop race missions.
1 flag mission.
1 fighting mission.

18:45 - Ah-ha, this codex page confirms that the island I'd earlier hypothesised to be Cyprus indeed is. Altair hid his piece of Eden there. Well, he doesn't name it, but it's pretty obvious now.

18:50 - And I've only got one truth left to find!

I'm feeling that we're close to the end, so I'll extend my usual playtime and get through this.

Also, I have no idea what the sun has to do with any of this. Are the aliens solar-born?

19:10 - I got to the last truth and... crap. The symbols were one through which I accessed these memories, and the numbers are obviously the passcodes, but I didn't write down any of this. Guess it's off to ask the internet.

... apparently there is no code.

And what does all this reveal? Well, those two people are Adam and Eve escaping the Garden of Eden, which is something I'd guessed from the very first video. Well, I certainly feel vindicated for searching out all those glyphs. Thanks, game.

I guess we learn that the aliens created humans rather than just hastening their evolution, since the conspiracy theory for the last truth was that all transitional fossils between humans and earlier apes are fabricated by Abstergo.

19:30 - More liberation missions, as with the thieves earlier.

19:36 - Now I've got a mission to pick fights with guards all over town, and post some mercenaries there. Can't these people do anything without me leading them by the hand?

19:45 - Apparently not, after another mission to climb a tower to send the flare, I have to go rescue Bartholomew from the guards, even though the whole plan was for them to distract the guards so I could get in. For the love of Khas.

19:53 - I caught and killed my targets, but not before the ships left... for Cyprus. Dun, dun, dun!

Pre-assassination mission count:

4 (or 2) liberation missions
1 escort mission
4 (or 2) fighting missions
1 tower climbing mission

But we're definitely getting close to the end.

Holy crap, it's been ten years since Ezio's family was murdered? I thought it only felt like ten years!

20:20 - I've also found and decoded the last codex page. I've completed the map on the villa's wall and revealed... absolutely nothing.

It's like this game is making a conscious and deliberate effort to disappoint me. This had better be relevant eventually.

20:35 - Going through another Templar lair.

20:50 - With another bogus 'chase' mission.

21:00 - The ships from Cyprus have returned! Carrying Altaïr's Apple. I have to tail the guard carrying the Apple, which begs the question: why don't I just kill him and take the artefact?

Okay, I guess Ezio doesn't really know what the device does, he's just concerned with killing Rodrigo Borgia. Fair enough.

I'm going to qualify this as an assassination mission, even though we don't finish the job, because it reminds me of the first attempt to get Robert de Sable in Assassin's Creed. So, scorecard:

21:15 - Bullshit. They're all Assassins? Then why did I have to do everything?

Seriously though, this is lame. Some of these make sense, but all of them? Bah.

Oh, and Machiavelli is also here! I would have expected him to be a Templar, actually. Wasn't his magnum opus all about the ways by which a ruler could maintain control over his subjects?

Why are we letting Rodrigo go? Yes, the sphere must be protected, but between the lot of Assassins here, I would hope they'd be capable of securing it without me, enabling me to go after Rodrigo.

Oh, wait. That's right, they're all incompetent.

21:25 - Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm getting close to the end now. Just as in Assassin's Creed it looks to be one fighting mission after another. Oh, and protecting Machiavelli and Sforza.

Wait, Rodrigo Borgia is actually Pope Alexander VI Borgia? I had not made that connection yet.

21:55 - I just got a map of the locations of all the codex pages. I didn't need a map though, I already know where they are: on a wall at the Villa Auditore.

22:00 - I have returned to Florence! Remember that cape that prevents me from gaining notoriety in areas of Medici influence that I described as completely useless because I only got it after finishing those areas? Yeah, I can't use it during any of the missions here.

22:05 - Another escort mission.

22:10 - I just got a ton of assassination missions, all at once. Legitimate assassination missions, apparently. Amazing.

Except it seems obvious that I am not actually anywhere as close to the end as I suspected. Three hours ago.

This is the game that never ends. It just goes on, and on...
... and I started playing it not knowing what it was...

22:30 - The game crashed.

Thank Adun, I should have done this a few hours ago.

Session 16

22:58 - One of my assassination missions leads me into a "trap". Apparently only people who resist Savarola will enter this building. I don't rightly know why they'd expect people to come here, I only did because there was an icon on my map.

23:20 - Huh. Apparently if you kill a guard with a throwing knife that automatically counts as being 'detected'. I didn't know that.

23:30 - I totally blind lucked my way into this kill. I was surrounded by guards on all side and was trying to find a hiding spot, when suddenly another group of guards turns the corner, with my target leading them. I just barely managed to kill him before all the arrows turned red .

23:47 - Killed the last of Savarola's henchmen, now I'm off to Savarola himself.

23:55 - Well, after getting around six legitimate assassinations before getting to him, I guess I can't complain that Savarola's death was basically just a cutscene.

Hey, I just noticed, why is Ezio the only Assassin to wear the uniform? Even Desmond and the other modern Assassins wear it, but none of those in the Renaissance do. Hell, why does Altair's armour give me black robes?

24:05 - Good, now the codex pages come into play. I'm finally getting close to the end. Unless Rome is actually a full third act, in which case I'm two thirds done and I'm ending this session here.

24:15 - Why is there a horse on the ramparts of Castel Sant'Angelo?

24:30 - As if there's any chance at all that this assassination is going to work on Rodrigo Borgia when all I have to do is follow this simple path and click the assassinate button. 'Course, I've got no choice to do it, and I'm using metagame knowledge anyway, so whatever .

24:32 - Wow, this may well be the easiest boss fight ever. It's a nice callback to have the Apple create multiples of Ezio, even though they're nowhere near as effective as they were for al Mualim - they did nothing during the entire fight for me - but I just used the hidden blade and spammed the attack button. Apparently the hidden blade's attack rate is so high that Alexander VI never gets a chance to attack. Of course, it deals pathetic damage, it took me forever to actually take out the pope, but he never had even the slightest chance of attacking me.

24:35 - And for the second time in a row, killing this guy just gives me a cutscene where, no, he's not actually dead. In fact, he just immediately knocks me out with his staff. Good thing he couldn't do that during the fight.

24:38 - Now I have to fight him again, but in a barefist brawl. It's still ridiculously easy. Incidentally, Rodrigo says that "God dwells within", meaning we may actually get to see the Protoss. Also, he doesn't believe that God could dwell in a flying golden city. Dude has clearly never seen a Protoss Mothership.

24:40 - I just strangled the pope. That's hilarious.

Of course, I didn't actually kill him, for some reason. Ezio realises that killing him won't bring back his family, so he decides... to let him live? To let him die slowly and painfully? If it's the former, then the guy is clearly the worst Assassin ever, he should be killing His Holiness for the sake of all humanity. If it's the latter, then he contradicted the entire purpose of the scene. It sounds like he's trying to indicate that he got over the thirst for revenge (as he also mentions in Florence after killing Savanarola and when he first attempts the assassination of Alexander VI) but by making his death as painful as possible, he's doing just the opposite.

This scene is clear as mud.

Also, I can't retrieve the staff/sphere, nor kill Alexander VI. I'm just leaving them together in the same room and turning my back to them.

Ezio is just begging to die, isn't he? I mean, we've already seen Alexander VI survive two deaths.

Whatever, we're about to meet the Protoss, and now is when the crazy really starts happening. Because the Assassin's Creed series does one thing phenomenally well, and that's leave you with an excellent cliffhanger after hours of excruciating boredom. Assassin's Creed left you with not only discovering that the Orb was a piece of alien magitech, but also seeing the writings of Subject 16 on the walls of your room. It was a great visual, and had a powerful impact on me when I played it. This time I'm prepared, however.

And it is glorious. The Protoss in question (she's had numerous names throughout the milennia, of course, so I'm just going to call her Selendis) has predicted that Ezio's descendant Desmond would one day relive Ezio's memories and is talking to him directly, warning him about the coming apocalypse (surely in 2012, knowing this game) caused by solar flares and reversed magnetic poles. Obviously Star Trek is a creation of the Templar, since they have so endeavoured to teach us that inverting the polarity of stuff is always the solution to life's problems.

Oh, and the Abstergo Templar show up to fight the Assassins in the modern period, and none of them have guns. These guys are supposedly behind countless conspiracies, assassinations and secretly control the world, and they figured that the best way to deal with four underequipped and desperate individuals whose only advantage lies in their genetically enhanced melee fighting skills was to engage them with a dozen men armed with police bâtons.

The New World Order is less threatening to me than the average street gang right now.

Also, out of all the predictions for betrayal I made, none came true. Clearly, I am terrible at this game.

And that's that for Assassin's Creed II

So glad I bought this as a Steam sale which also included Brotherhood and Revelations (as well as the first game).