Snoopism is the youngest of the world's four great monotheistic religions. It was founded in the 21st Century because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Much akin to heating oil over bunsen burners, apparently. And thumping MP3 players to make them work.

The view that Snoopism is a variety of alcoholism is completely wrong, and gives great offence to Snoopsterites

~nods~

I can quit whenever I want

There are about 12 Snoopsterites in the world, and 80% of them live in a drunken state in Australia, where the faith began.

*giggles*

There are about 5 Snoopsterites in Britain, 80% of whom are active in their faith. 39% of UK Snoopsterites attend a religious service at a Pub (meaning house, or residence of God) once a week.

You forgot the Guinness! Blasphemy!

Other countries with large Snoopsterite communities are Canada (2) and the USA (10).

Really?

The word "Snoopster" is Pommy for "pasty" and Snoopsterites are disciples of the Guinness.

Ah. There it is. Well done

Snoopsterite men are particularly easy to identify because they are all full of it, and stagger when they walk.

They are full of Guinness? Cos if not....

The Snoopster place of worship is called a Pub or temple.

I approve.

Snoopism does not have priests, but most pubs will have a publican. A publican is a learned Snoopsterite who is skilled in mixing the drinks, however, a publican has no special religious status.

What if they're really good at it?

The principal Snoop scripture is the book of tehanu, often called the uh.....book of tehanu.

Got a spare copy? In red covers, if possible.

Snoopsterites believe that the words of these scriptures are the present day embodiment of the Publican Guru and they treat the book with the respect and devotion that they would have given to a human publican.

Oh, right. Does that mean I can punch the book in the face if my drink doesn't arrive fast enough?

Snoopism does not actively look for converts, but it is thoroughly welcoming to those who do want to convert.

I'm thinking about it. What do I get baptised in?

Basic Snoopism Teachings:

The essence of being a Snoopsterite is that one lives one's life according to the teachings of the Publican Gurus, devotes time to meditating on snoopster and the scriptures, and does things to benefit snoopster.

And we hit a snag. What things, precisely?

Snoopsterites believe that there is a single, all-powerful God, who created the universe and everything in it.

Snag number two.

Snoopism emphasises social and gender equality, and stresses the importance of shouting your round.

Ah yes. I agree with this one.

Equality: Everyone's wse points are equal in snoop's eyes; whatever their caste, creed, or gender.

Does that mean everyone's wse points belong to snoopster even if they are temporarily in someone else's posession?

snoop is accessible without priests: Everyone can be directly in touch with God. There are no clergy in Snoopism.

OK

Accept other faiths: Snoopsterites do not believe that any religion has a monopoly on the truth. They do not regard Snoopism as the only way to drink.

There's Elaineism too, now. It has gin.

Live in the world: One should live an irresponsible life as part of the community. Withdrawing from the pub or becoming an abstainer are not as worthwhile.

Sounds good

No drinking on your own: sole drinking is meaningless and should be avoided.

Indeed. That way lies alcoholism and we couldn't have that....

Devotion can take the form of action as well as prayer: Personal devotion includes Nam simran (meditation on and awareness of snoopster) and Sewa (community drinking).

Does this go on for much longer?

A good world is just and fair to snoopster: Social justice is to be supported. The use of smiting as a last resort is justified to uphold it.

Very true

Death is not the end: Death is seen as the transition to a life where the joy of being in the presence of snoopster can be fully realised.

Somebody kick him, please. He'll be insufferable.

Snoopsterites and God:

Snoopsterites believe that there is only one God.

~sigh~

snoopster created the universe, and the universe depends on God's will for its continued existence

Does that mean we have to ply him with Guinness?

snoopster has always existed and always will exist

Now there's a scary thought.

snoopster needs nothing else but guinness in order to continue to exist

Aha! I was right!

snoopster has no colour

No, he's pasty white

snoopster has no clue

If you say so

snoopster has never taken and will never take human form on earth.

Jesus H. Now I'm terrified.

The essence of snoopster is alcohol.

Knew that

snoopster is without hatred or fear.

Wanna bet?

snoopster reaches out to humanity through the word, which is conveyed by the publicans, or teachers, and which is laid down in the form of drinking songs, or hymns, which form the backbone of Snoopster worship.

I think a rousing chorus of Eskimo Nell is called for

Who is a Snoopsterite?

The Snoop code of conduct defines a Snoopsterite like this:

"Any human being who faithfully believes

snoop is a god

um....actually that'll about do it.

~le sigh~

But I'm still not sure!


Elaine
Irish Honey