In an effort to embrace more contemporary Christmas music, I have been listen to more Christmas songs this season, rather than simply sticking to my old favorite carols/hymns. For the most part my taste has been entirely for either the old religious ones, like It Came Upon a Midnight Clear or We Three Kings (though seeing a video of Hugh Jackman gaying that one up on Youtube might change my outlook on it) or Come All Ye Faithful, or else for parodies and novelty songs, in particular from Wierd Al or South Park (I challenge anyone to find a more holiday-festive tune than "Christmastime in Hell," while "Merry F***ing Christmas" pretty much perfectly sums up my attitude toward foreign cultures and ecumenism). Now, having embraced a more open attitude, I have subdivided the Secular Crap Category of Christmas music into Cathcy-to-Tolerable Songs as opposed to the suicide-inducing or treacly garbage that gets the majority of airtime.

One such song (of the acceptable subcategory no less) is "Up One the Housetop." After the verse that sounds so oddly-specific that I wonder if the song originated as a jingle for a doll commercial, we get the stocking for Will. That wierd little bastard gets a hammer, tacks, a ball and a whip. The whip cracks in case anyone was wondering, and I believe this song was written before Indiana Jones made them cool and thus no innocent child could have a good reason for asking for one.

Now a while ago, I saw a movie with Thora Birch and Lauren Bacall doing a duet of "Baby It's Cold Outside" that I thought sounded creepy, and a perusal of the lyrics shows them to be highly suggestive of date-rape drugs when done by a more age-appropriate pair. No wonder the Kurt-thing from Glee likes it.

Among other likable songs with creepy themes there's the following

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A kid catches Mom in flagrante with the personification of holiday gift giving.

I'm Getting Nothing for Christmas: Topping off a list of offenses that would have him brought up on assault charges ("I broke a bat on Johny's head" ), child or no, the final verse teases you with the possibility that Santa forgives all and is coming anyway (not to get all Bill O'Reilly, but that IS a rather appropriate theme for the holiday), instead it is revealed to be Home Alone but the kid teams up with the burglars.

We Need a Little Christmas: It's about someone who throws himself into holiday preparations and trappings to stave off depression. "...before my spirits fall again"
No Place Like Home For the Holidays: Not too bad, but sounds like a commercial for travel agencies or the Highway Department.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: The boys want real guns and the girls want pet androids, apparently; meanwhile their parents hate them and can't wait for school to start - my own stay-at-home mother preferred having her 7 kids home from school because the transportation headaches & preparation for school completely negated whatever time she gained by having us out of her hair for six hours. Clearly, therefore, if Mom & Dad "can't wait for school to start again," they really hate their offspring.

The 12 Days of Christmas: With all respect to Andy on The Office, it says "GAVE" not "hired for a single performance." Clearly it describes a rather busy holiday slave trade, even leaving out the multiple repeats of some gifts ( 8 maids a milking on the 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th & 12th days adds up to forty dairy slaves - also since commas and line breaks are not audible, it sounds like the girls are trying to milk the swans, while the damn birds are swimming no less).

Snoopy vs the Red Baron, Christmas version: While it seems to be full of good old Christmas civility, the history buff in me rebels at this one. In the first place, I totally root for Germany in World War One, and kind of admire Von Richtoffen, so f*** Snoopy. In the second, given that the actual Christmas truce of 1914 seems to have mostly been initiated by Germans, the Red Baron's conversion is not all that impressive. While his countrymen were braving the dangers of No Man's Land to offer holiday felicitations to their enemies (and at least one German soldier getting shot for his trouble), the song's Red Baron hopped into his plane to go looking for people to kill! Hesitating at the very last second because a bell happened to sound right then and remind him what the day was all about is not all THAT charitable, much less making him fly all the way to the Rhine (the pro-Allies song glosses over the fact that by Christmas of any year, the Germans had pushed pretty much the whole front well beyond the traditional geographic boundary of France & Germany) to offer him a Christmas greetiing & "holiday toast." I bet what really happened was he decided to take Snoopy prisoner rather than slaughter him in the sky, and also possibly have the Kaiser's engineers investigate the aerodynamics of a flying doghouse, so he got him to land back in Germany, only to have his superiors respond by saying "WTF, Manny?! It's Christmas and the rest of the Army is taking the damn war off for the day! Let the sociopathic little freak go."

Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Forget the trite insinuations of pedophiliac voyeurism. My main problem is the prevalance of the Springsteen version. Having the Boss perform the song does not make it cool. It just makes him a dork.

Winter Wonderland: I could be wrong about this, but it seems to me like a metaphor for more illicit activities. Unless Protestant ministers actually go around randomly asking couples if they are married, it seems like an odd conversation for them to simulate with their snowman. I would think that the only reason a clergyman would ask such a question was if he caught them doing things generally only acceptable between married couples. Which raises the question, did they build the snowman so they could have someone to watch them have sex and then chastize them for it until they agree to a shotgun wedding? That's a...singular...fetish.

White Christmas: This has, unfortunately, become way too associated with the movie of the same name in my mind, featuring the romance of a junkie and a priest (I saw the Rosemary Clooney biopic as a kid long before I ever heard a song or saw a film featuring her, and going to a Catholic school, you get a lot of Going my Way & Bells of St. Mary's - the latter of which is also spoiled by The Godfather & Kay's apparent determination to get Michael to admit his fetish for tubercular nuns), where people spent hours in dress rehearsals for elaborately orchestrated and choreographed numbers for a show wherein they never performed a single previously rehearsed song, instead appearing to improvise a couple of numbers in between making out behind the prop tree. And the movie appeared to be trying to seriously address the critical issues of... actors who don't take enough time off to enjoy themselves and the massive numbers of generals who were tossed out onto the streets after their loyal service in World War Two. And it's not talking about ALL soldiers - oh, no. Bing explicitly complains that all the efforts to find jobs for the returning enlisted men fell short in providing for the generals. So the song is fine, but the craptacular clusterfuck of a movie it provided a climax for totally overshadows it. Much like "(I've Had) the Time of My Life."

For the record, before the inevitable response accusing me of undue negativity, I would just like to state that I LOVE "Here Comes Santa Claus" for the same reason. Namely the police tactical assault scene in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, the greatest Christmas film of all time, which I still pay homage to & annoy the everliving sh!t out of my family, by saying "Grace passed away fifty years ago" every time someone calls for a prayer before family meals. Also, "Let It Snow" for being the theme song to the best two Die Hard movies.

Dominic the Donkey: It's just kind of depressing that Italian kids only get clothes for Christmas.

And that's only songs I sort of like. The ones I actively hate are probably responsible for the alleged increase in suicide this time of year:
Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire
Blue Christmas
I'll Be Home For Christmas
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Anything by the former Beatles. Just because you're bigger than Jesus does not mean you get to ruin His birthday with more of your dreck.
Santa Baby - this is probably responsible for the attitude that Christmas is all about greed, consumerism and commercialism. As far as I can tell the latter two flaws stem primarily from the desire of people to give each other gifts, not an overwhelming urge to aquire material goods. But try to make this argument and before you know it the radio is playing Santa Baby and in addition to being obnoxious and annoying (not least for the apparent fact that someone at some point found the affected voice and attitude of the singer to be "cute" and/or sexually attractive), purporting to demonstrate that there adults who can be just as greedy as small children.
Almost anything by Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Who the hell do they think they are to screw up Beethoven and Tchaikovsky and then present their electronicy-tehno versions of the work of the greatest composes in history as their music? Some of my brothers & I went to one of their concerts with our mother once. They postured and acted as if they were actual rock stars or something, without a trace of irony in their performance, as if they genuinely think themselves to be something more than a cover band with a fecal version of the midas touch.
That song about the shoes also makes me want to run down to the hospital and pull the plug on the kid's mother, and then frame the speaker for necrophilia.

Merry Christmas, and God bless us, every one!