I challenge anyone to find a more holiday-festive tune than "Christmastime in Hell," while "Merry F***ing Christmas" pretty much perfectly sums up my attitude toward foreign cultures and ecumenism

Snoopy vs the Red Baron, Christmas version: While it seems to be full of good old Christmas civility, the history buff in me rebels at this one. In the first place, I totally root for Germany in World War One, and kind of admire Von Richtoffen, so f*** Snoopy. In the second, given that the actual Christmas truce of 1914 seems to have mostly been initiated by Germans, the Red Baron's conversion is not all that impressive. While his countrymen were braving the dangers of No Man's Land to offer holiday felicitations to their enemies (and at least one German soldier getting shot for his trouble), the song's Red Baron hopped into his plane to go looking for people to kill! Hesitating at the very last second because a bell happened to sound right then and remind him what the day was all about is not all THAT charitable, much less making him fly all the way to the Rhine (the pro-Allies song glosses over the fact that by Christmas of any year, the Germans had pushed pretty much the whole front well beyond the traditional geographic boundary of France & Germany) to offer him a Christmas greetiing & "holiday toast." I bet what really happened was he decided to take Snoopy prisoner rather than slaughter him in the sky, and also possibly have the Kaiser's engineers investigate the aerodynamics of a flying doghouse, so he got him to land back in Germany, only to have his superiors respond by saying "WTF, Manny?! It's Christmas and the rest of the Army is taking the damn war off for the day! Let the sociopathic little freak go."

Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Forget the trite insinuations of pedophiliac voyeurism. My main problem is the prevalance of the Springsteen version. Having the Boss perform the song does not make it cool. It just makes him a dork.

Winter Wonderland: I could be wrong about this, but it seems to me like a metaphor for more illicit activities. Unless Protestant ministers actually go around randomly asking couples if they are married, it seems like an odd conversation for them to simulate with their snowman. I would think that the only reason a clergyman would ask such a question was if he caught them doing things generally only acceptable between married couples. Which raises the question, did they build the snowman so they could have someone to watch them have sex and then chastize them for it until they agree to a shotgun wedding? That's a...singular...fetish.

Santa Baby

Almost anything by Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Who the hell do they think they are to screw up Beethoven and Tchaikovsky and then present their electronicy-tehno versions of the work of the greatest composes in history as their music? Some of my brothers & I went to one of their concerts with our mother once. They postured and acted as if they were actual rock stars or something, without a trace of irony in their performance, as if they genuinely think themselves to be something more than a cover band with a fecal version of the midas touch.

Merry Christmas, and God bless us, every one!