Former leading Bush evangelical megachurch pastor/guy who did crystal meth with gay prostitutes Ted Haggard is featured in the February issue of Gentlemen’s Quarterly, so that gentlemen can remove their top hats and waist coats, sit down at the chair with some light reading, and laugh at him. “I cried when the Chilean miners got rescued. I cry when I watch Undercover Boss. I cry at anything that shows people being people. I’m a wreck,” he says. Sure. And then there’s stuff like this, of course: “We never had sex sex… I bought drugs and a massage from him, and he masturbated me at the end of it. That’s it.” Oh, and: “I think that probably, if I were 21 in this society, I would identify myself as a bisexual.”

He says that despite popular perception, he was never a right-wing power broker in the vein of Jerry Falwell. His reported weekly chats with George W. Bush were usually just briefings with low-level White House staff. He was never a homophobe, either, he says, and though he supported a 2006 amendment outlawing gay marriage in Colorado, he was also in favor of a ballot measure that would have extended domestic-partner benefits to same-sex couples.

The ol’ smoking-meth-out-of-a-gay-prostitute’s-anus triangulation.

Speaking of meth:

“Sometimes I’d throw it away,” he says. “Other times, I’d go someplace and masturbate and use it. But it was for masturbation. And that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t been real clear. I don’t want to stand up publicly and say, ‘Hey, I’m a masturbation guy!’

Everyone needs meth to masturbate. That’s how masturbation works.

“Anyway, I’m reading Romans. I just finished with Matthew, which is all Jesus, so I thought I’d harden that up with some Paul.”

Ted Harggard: hardening up with some Paul. [GQ]