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my story Ella - 13/04/2004 04:53:22 PM

I have to say that yes, I have. I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth. In fact, I consistently thought about it every day for about three years (coincidentally enough, about the time I was in middle school).

I hated myself because I couldn't stop crying, I hated my "friends" (who ran away from me at lunch for no good reason), and I felt as if I just hated life in general. Nearly every day, I would sit alone and tell myself that by 24 hours from that point, I would never have to feel like this again, and that I really was going to do it tonight.

I think what kept me from actually doing it was sheer cowardice. I am afraid of pain, afraid of death, and I don't think I ever could have actually brought myself to do it. I imagined it all the time, but only the aftereffects. I never really gave thought to the actual process.

Finally, in 9th grade, I got help. My parents had been so worried for such a long time, and I had been brushing them off, crying all the while. My family has a history of depression, so my mother knew what I was going through, but I refused to listen. Then she heard of a study in my neighborhood that was testing Prozac on adolescent girls. I participated and it changed my life.

It was deemed that I was eligible to take the drug, and after several months, I was a completely different person. That tiny chemical shift in my brain had made a huge difference. It didn't do the work by itself -- I had to work at it too.

But now, I don't think that way anymore. I can't remember the last time I seriously contemplated suicide. Yes, I still have days when I get depressed, but it's not nearly as severe. And now I understand when people say they don't get why anyone could possibly consider the selfish act of suicide. Before, it seemed like the only way out. Some of our brains work in different ways, and those who condemn those who take their own lives as selfish simply don't see how the mind of a depressed person works.

I'm not attacking anyone for looking down on suicide. I too, think it's a horrible idea -- but I was only able to reach that conclusion with the aid of a lot of family, friends, talking, and yes, chemicals. I'm just saying that you should please at least try to understand, or at least empathize, with what they are going through.

I'm sorry this post is so long. If you stayed with it until the end, thank you. But the subject struck a nerve, and I felt the need to get that off my chest. I don't believe I have told my story in full to anyone since it happened, and I feel much lighter now.

Thank you again.

Is an eyeball in an eagle's talon as good as an eyeball on its own?

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A personal question for those of you who wish to answer - 13/04/2004 02:59:16 PM 262 Views
One of my friends is in hospital. - 13/04/2004 03:05:23 PM 47 Views
Re: One of my friends is in hospital. - 13/04/2004 03:18:51 PM 31 Views
on problems and solutions.... - 13/04/2004 04:05:59 PM 31 Views
No your problems are not eternal but death is. *NM* - 14/04/2004 12:33:05 PM 3 Views
I think that, - 14/04/2004 03:37:38 PM 7 Views
my condolences. - 15/04/2004 02:16:12 AM 5 Views
actually... - 13/04/2004 03:33:00 PM 57 Views
I've never even thought about it. *NM* - 13/04/2004 03:58:38 PM 2 Views
Never considered it. - 13/04/2004 04:01:57 PM 22 Views
Sadly... - 14/04/2004 03:44:02 PM 9 Views
Nah never really thought about it. *NM* - 13/04/2004 04:05:19 PM 2 Views
6-7 years ago. - 13/04/2004 04:38:27 PM 17 Views
my story - 13/04/2004 04:53:22 PM 28 Views
Thank you for sharing it. - 14/04/2004 03:54:22 PM 5 Views
Only one thing could make me do that... - 13/04/2004 07:18:23 PM 23 Views
Interesting. - 14/04/2004 03:57:57 PM 5 Views
Fascinating. - 13/04/2004 07:25:02 PM 20 Views
Answers - 13/04/2004 08:01:01 PM 22 Views
Wow. - 14/04/2004 04:06:35 PM 11 Views
Re: Wow. - 14/04/2004 06:05:19 PM 9 Views
hmm - 13/04/2004 09:37:19 PM 11 Views
Surely. - 13/04/2004 09:44:34 PM 16 Views
Never thought about it, except....... - 14/04/2004 01:27:09 AM 16 Views
Never seriously. - 14/04/2004 12:25:00 PM 3 Views
A personal, if somewhat morbid, answer. - 15/04/2004 02:50:45 AM 10 Views