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A personal, if somewhat morbid, answer. Druegan - 15/04/2004 02:50:45 AM

This is a personal question, and if you don't feel comfortable answering it, I'm not going to make you do so. I just wanted to know whether or not anybody here at wotmania has ever considered/ thought of suicide, and how they considered it and how far they went, etc. Did you actually see yourself dying or dead? Did you try to imagine the pain, the last seconds before your breath stops and your eyes glaze over? Did you even consider the aftermath at all? Were you more interested in a quick, messy death or would you have been willing to suffer a bit more to allow less of a mess for your family/ those behind you to clean up?

Yes, I have considered suicide.. I have been to the point where I had the gun in my mouth, at my rope's end, but the only thing stopping me was my love for another who would have fallen had I taken that road out.

I have considered it many times. That was the closest I actually came to doing it... but there have been many times I have considered the option.

Understand, however.. I have no fear of death. I remember what it is like. I haven't always, but even before the rememberance, I did not fear it. What has stopped me has been concern for the living. But I am odd.

I have considered suicide in many ways. The traditional japanese method is tempting for sheer style.. it takes a lot of guts to inflict upon yourself a belly wound severe enough to kill you, especially without a second to take your head for you.. Belly wounds hurt like almost nothing else.. one of the most painful ways to die.. I know the knife I would use for this... it's a double edged dagger with a bronze eagle-head hilt. Once consecrated, it would be suitable.

Yes, I have thought about the pain.. I have thought about the blood, about my intestines slipping through my fingers as my head gets fuzzy, my vision blurs, and the wracking pain that forces ones muscles to spasm and knot...

I have considered the slashing of the wrists... Its not as stylish, and somewhat cliched.. But one good cut across the wrist, followed by another one going from the center of the wrist up the arm a good 4 or 5 inches towards the elbow will do it well.. the pain would be less... just for a moment it would hurt, then just a growing feeling of tremendous cold, difficulty breathing, then slipping out into a blur of unconsciousness.

The bad point is the mess, of course.. best done kneeling in the bathtub facing the drain, with a little trickle of water running, so it all goes down the pipe.. the other problem is, if you get a deep enough cut on the first wrist, your hand doesn't work worth a crap for doing the second.. so it'd be hard to get a proper slice in to ensure you bleed out fast. Neck would probably be better for that. But more painful.

But enough of cutting.

Gunshot is quick, relatively painless. IF DONE RIGHT. If not, you blow half your face off and have to live like that.
You have to use a large caliber, preferably a plastic bullet or a "safety slug" for maximum frangibility, (ie, wound trauma) Careful aim must be taken, so it's not the method to use if one is scared, or emotionally distraught.. hand shakes increase your likelihood of screwing it up.

I have considered poison as well... but with the way my body works, I'd probably survive it, and would wind up in a lot of pain for my trouble.. the cramping, swelling, trying to vomit through a throat that's swollen shut... convulsions...

The problem with poison is its hard to get your hands on anything really lethal enough to make it easy.

Overdose... now this is the way I'd go if I just wanted to die happy. Shoot up with an absolute TON of Heroin... you're so cracked out in orgasmic bliss from the opiates, you don't even know you've died till you show up on the other side. Problem is getting enough of it in you fast enough that you can ensure its fatal before you get yourself too stoned out to inject more.

I also thought that a good way to die might be to get all the people I hated in one place, lock the doors, and blow us all up.. that way I'd at least remove from the earth all the people that had tormented myself and others over the years..

Then there was the time I was violently angry with the world.. and depressed and contemplating suicide.. and yes, I thought about doing a Columbine... If you hate the world, what better way to go that gunning down the people you hate and forcing the world (the police) to kill you to stop you?

I've thought about it many many times, in many many ways, in excruciating detail, and all the consequences of it. Over the years, I've looked death in the eye, shaken its hand, and thought about moving in with it.

But I didn't.

Yes, I can go home any time I want. I don't have to stay here, with all the s**t in the world.. all the people with their shallow interests, fears, and judgements.. I can easily end it, a hundred different ways, and I will face nothing but myself on the other side..

But it serves no purpose. I will have to experience what I need to evolve, be it in this life and these circumstances or in others. I cannot serve as well dead as I can alive.
I cannot evolve as dynamically as a spirit than I can as an incarnated human. That's why I came here in the first place.

So I do not take my life. As long as I breathe, there is hope.. Perhaps not hope that my dreams will come true.. some days that is too much to even think about asking for.. but perhaps just hope that maybe tomorrow won't suck quite as much as today. Maybe a month from now, a year from now, something significant WILL go right for a change.. Hell, maybe it'll just be the perfect opportunity to take out my enemies in a blaze of glory.

But whatever may happen... and truthfully, the chances of me never having that which I seek in this life seem much better that then chances of me actually experiencing it... I can't experience it dead. Even suffering has its value.

But happiness aside.. I am here to fight a war. What separates a man from a soldier is that the soldier realizes he is already dead, and moves on to do what he has to do.. the man still has hope he will live. We all die. Every one of us. The questions are just "How?" and "For What Reason?"
Thus I am still here. There is ALWAYS more to do. More to fight. Happiness would be great. But until it is even possible, there is ALWAYS the war.


I know, it's a morbid survey. Sorry I had to ask. I was just curious. It always seemed to me when I was younger that only a sick (in the head) person would even consider it, or try to imagine it... but as I get older I'm a bit more in tune with what's normal and what's not... and I think I'd be hard pressed to find very many who haven't at least thought of it, if not necessarily actually considered it.

Never be sorry you asked. If you wish to know, seek. Such is the way knowlege is gained. Also, please understand I am *NOT* normal. Nor am I suicidal. You just asked my thoughts... so I'm relating them. I have other thoughts.. happier thoughts sometimes. But you didn't ask about those

Thanks to those of you who answer.

You're welcome.

Druegan


He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee. -- Friedrich Nietzsche




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