There certainly have been days when I couldn't find anything myself. Fortunately I got past those - but it was a close run thing on occasion.

I'll tell you something. Mostly a secret. Of course I'm putting it out on the internet so it won't be anymore but that's okay. It was long long ago and perhaps you or someone else will benefit from it.

Once, long ago, I had a 9mm parabellum round that I wouldn't shoot. The reason that I wouldn't shoot it was that I had promised that said bullet would only ever be fired if I used it on myself. For years I kept it around and it did spend some time in the chamber of my P-38. More than once it came within a few tiny grams of pressure of fulfilling its destiny.

After some time I wound up briefly dating a girl who knew about this. She knew about it before we dated and things weren't going well. I didn't want her to feel that she should stay with me because I might get depressed and fire that round - so I took her out behind my house, showed her the bullet, which she'd never seen before and flung it over the railroad tracks and into the woods.

We did break up awhile later and were friends for many years after that too. But it wasn't a horrible soul destroying break-up. Just a break up and I survived.

There have been times since then when I've come close to those levels of despair, but never quite as close. Just making the decision to keep on helped.

Depression is a terrible thing - and it's nearly certainly the reason my wife and I are living separately right now. Her depressive episodes wouldn't let her be happy. She's still not entirely happy but the change back to a more familiar state is better for her. I hope she can use that to put things back on track.

For you, well I don't know you well enough to say what might work to make things brighter. It might be that you need a real, solid change in your life. Travel to somewhere new or something entirely outside your experience. That kind of shift can sometimes break a depressive cycle simply because your brain needs to work on other things.

It might just be that you need to take a long walk, either alone or with a friend who won't judge or press you. Go someplace nearby you've never been. Try and connect with everything around you and all the people who have walked that way before you. Sometimes that kind of thing helps me.

I don't know what the fix is - because as humans we are all so variable. I just hope that you do find something because when things are good life is very much worth living.

Be safe and well.