There are days when life is wonderful but that can easily come crashing down within moments of feeling euphoric so I don't count on it lasting. I just enjoy it while it lasts. I have had more good days in the last few years than I used to. For a long time life was a burden and I really did wish to die. But it isn't something I am going to do because of what it would do to my family.

I don't have the kind of depression where I just lose interest in everything. It is usually a more violent depression where I absolutely loathe myself.

Little pills have made a huge difference for me. The highs may not be quite as high but the lows aren't nearly as frequent and lasting. I can live with that. I can also live with the stigma of taking the little pills although I don't advertise that I take them. I know that I wouldn't have made it this far without them. My brain isn't hard wired for this life otherwise.

Duty has the final say though. There are too many people that depend on me. My parents are very old now and I need to be there to take care of them. I used to feel that I needed to stick life out because I would be the one that ended up taking care of Maurice,my mentally retarded brother, when my parents died. However he died last November. But right before he died my daughter gave birth to my first grandson. Johnny is making a huge difference in my will to live. Another person that just radiates joy and love. He is way better than any drugs could be. But he also has Goldenhar Syndrome. I kind of feel like my brother was waiting for someone to pass the torch to before he died. Maurice was a big part of why I stuck around. I needed to stay to take care of him. Now I need to stay to take care of my parents and be there for Johnny. Life might be kind of hard for him and I want him to have another safe haven where he is treated like any other child and loved.

By the way, people that say "snap out of it" or "try harder" need to be smacked. They have no clue. The one nice thing about being familiar with depression is that you will never say something stupid and hurtful like that to another person.

*Edit*
I liked what Tom said. He put very succinctly what it took me years to figure out. Mostly I tried to stop expecting certain levels of performance from myself. I could accept other people and love them as they were and didn't expect them to be something they weren't. Why not do the same with myself? Easier said than done, but I am much closer to it and much happier than I was before.

No expectations. Wonderful advice.