There's a lot to be said for not hiding your desires! One thing I'm really good at is paying attention to and writing down or remembering the things my husband looks at and ends up not buying for himself (because he can't justify it or whatever) or that he mentions offhand that he'd like to have. He is getting better about that but I try to be a little more overt with those sorts of things when we get closer to shopping times for my birthday or Christmas. If he asks me what I want I usually have to think about it too (why is that such a hard question to answer on the spot?) and then I'll try to give him some options so he is still "surprising" me but he can feel confident that he's getting me something he knows I want. Or if there's something specific I would normally shop for for myself, I'll let him know that and then just not buy it for myself unless I don't get it for the occasion. Like this year I wanted a particular type of jewelery to wear with a dress I just bought for NYE, so I mentioned that to him and he got me something I wouldn't have picked for myself but really like.

I also agree with you that presents can be useful and practical, but there should still be an element of luxury or fun or, as you said, maybe something nicer/better than you'd buy for yourself (this gets into the personal preference area again I think). So I'd love to get a nice set of new knives or cookware as a present, but I wouldn't like to get a new vacuum, even if it's the ridiculously expensive one I've been lusting after. In my head this makes sense because cooking can be fun but vacuuming never is.