True, and among those who find the struggle of life to be something other than the struggle they want to endure.

And perhaps also to those who have more tenuous bonds with you? That's part of the reason why I didn't do it in 2002, 2007, or 2017, that and realizing that although things seem to be tediously repetitive, perhaps there was another angle I was missing.

Antidepressants truly are a double-edged sword. I happen to be one of those who don't respond well to them. I'm lucky with the therapist I have, but that's in part because I find myself looking at multiple perspectives when I'm in session (mine and how others are perceiving me). But the most beneficial anti-depressive measures I've taken are to take B-12 and D3 vitamin supplements and to run/walk most days of the week.

I've talked with several others who run (especially trails) and it seems mental/emotional regulation is a high-ranking reason for them doing it so often, because regular running in particular (not seen as much in lifting weights, swimming, or cycling) hits the same receptors affected by smoking pot. Not that this is a good motivator for you perhaps, but I thought I'd just mention it.

But as for "one way out," I came to the conclusion, when I was staring at my bottle of Valium pills back in November (prescribed because they were uncertain what was causing severe vertigo spells - turns out it was severe Vitamin deficiencies), upset over a flashback I had when I got accused of something by someone very close to me, tired of messing up and ruining relationships, tired of feeling ill and literally unbalanced, that while I may know of no other way, that I'd be damned if I didn't want to see if things could be fixed. So far, some of it has and some still burdens me. C'est la vie, or that's life, I suppose.

Have you tried melatonin? It's OTC and I use that and regular exercise to help me sleep more than 5 hrs/night. I'm very reluctant to suggest seeing if you can get serroquel, as that does a number on the waking brain as well.

That's true. Or in the cases of Cobain and Cornell, it was a form of release for them, because they couldn't see another way through (I say that without condemning; we almost always never see a full picture until the end, if then).

That sounds more like you want to feel something, anything. Based on my experiences working/teaching where I do, with depressed and emotionally disturbed teens, cutting and self-injury are common. It's usually done to either feel alive or to self-punish because of perceived failure.

I wish there were more I could do, but I'm not going to serve up the usual treacly bullshit of saying it'll all be alright, that there are people who care and who will help if you'll reach out to them. Yeah, doubtless there are some who might, but who really understands depression and suicidal ideation until you've undergone it yourself? I have no real advice other than possibly exploring the avenues I listed above and trying to visualize something you want to see happen a week, month, year, and/or a decade from now and focus on that. Whatever you choose, I know it won't be easy 100% or even 50% of the time. But perhaps just push on through anyways and accept that the struggles are real but that you're along for a ride regardless?