...throw a weasel at your face. How do you respond?

Throw it back.

...render you unconscious, dress you in red silk pajamas, and put you in bed with Carrot Top. How do you respond?

Red silk. Sweet. Black's better. Who's carrot top?

...force you at gunpoint...no wait, bananapoint. Yeah, that's it, bananapoint. Let's say I force you at bananapoint to juggle 5 chainsaws over a pit of boiling oil, while threatening to shave funny designs into the fur of your pet poodle should you refuse. How do you respond?

Shave funny designs on your poodle. I don't like dogs much, so go ahead. it grows back.

...kiss you like you have never been kissed before. How do you respond?

Depends . . .

...eat all the potato chips in your house. How do you respond?

Oh well.

...replace your printer cartridge with white ink. How do you respond?

*invisible ink.

...use Photoshop and make some compromising pictures of you and George Bush to sell to the Enquirer. How do you respond?

Laugh at them.

...hide Chucky dolls randomly around your house. How do you respond?

Send my brother to find them. He would have fun with that.

...throw random smileys at you like they were ninja stars. How do you respond?

Smilies are cool.

...arrange for you to have dinner with either Bob Dylan or Michael Jordan. How do you respond?

That's cool. I would invite a friend.

...blow up France. How do you respond?

Hehehe.

...tie you to a treadmill that powers the electrical system in my house. How do you respond?

Stop running.


I seldom fling children from towers to improve their health.